4.39: Not Okay

08-30-16_4-21-51 PM

God, the tables really have turned, haven’t they?

For once, Clara’s the one worried about me. And I’m the one locked away in my room, crying all the time and lying again and again about what’s wrong. I’ve got her convinced this is about Elliot… And I feel awful hiding the truth from her, I really do. But what else could I possibly say?

08-30-16_3-54-37 PM

It’s just so bad… I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this in my entire life.

Even Laura asked if I was okay at rehearsal last night. That’s how bad it is. And you know what I wanted to tell her? That I’m not okay. At all.

08-30-16_3-28-54 PM

I ruined everything. I messed everything up so bad… And I don’t think there’s anything I can do to fix it.

I emailed the University director yesterday. I quit my job at the library. And I know it probably wasn’t great of me to go over Mark’s head like that… But I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t talk to him.

Guess I’m too much of a coward.

08-30-16_4-22-24 PM

I can never look at Mark again after what happened. I know I can’t.

But even if I’m not looking, that doesn’t mean I don’t see him. I see him all the time… I can’t get him off of my mind, no matter how hard I try. I just keep thinking back on the past few months, trying to figure it all out. Was it really all in my head?

08-03-16_11-06-06 PM 08-13-16_12-42-37 AM 08-29-16_11-42-11 PM

All this time, I was sure he felt it too. He never said anything, obviously, but… The way he smiled. The way he looked at me. Did it really mean nothing?

It’s just not fair. After all these years, I finally found it. I finally figured out what it means to really love someone…

I just always assumed he’d love me too.

08-30-16_4-24-25 PM


54 thoughts on “4.39: Not Okay

      1. Nah, I’ve been first before, but loooong time ago. I may or may not be smirking at her still, BUT…I really don’t enjoy seeing her upset. I have a message for her, but you may not want to deliver it 😛 ahem…
        Jocelyn, let me tell you what I wish you’d known when you were young and dreamed of glory: you have no control who lives, who dies, who tells your story. And uhhhhh, with the person telling yours? Good luck! XD 😛

        Liked by 4 people

  1. It’s okay, Jossy. Quitting your job was most likely a good thing.

    And who knows. Maybe in time she’ll get a new job and find someone else. Then she can forget all about ol’ Markimoo. (Markiplier reference, haha)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The lying Rosebrooke curse strikes again. This family needs better communication skills. My mother always says when you assume you make an @$$ out of you and me. Don’t get it but she says it all the time. I’m heartbroken for Jocelyn but at the same time after rereading it I laugh at the whole thing I’m terrible. On a side note The VP of the Legacy Ship club will be taking over commenting on behalf of the club. Sometimes I just don’t agree with what they want to say but I’m the president so what can you do. Give Joce a big hug from me she looks like she needs one.


    1. Well in this case, I think Joce’s lie to Clara isn’t awful. She just doesn’t want to admit to what happened because she’s so embarrassed! And Joce says you are mean for laughing at her 😛

      But she appreciates the hug!


  3. Hahaha you make a good point about Joce quitting… Even if things end up working out with her and Mark, quitting was probably wise either way haha

    Sorry that you’re living in so much suspense over Thursday’s chapter hehe I don’t think I need any more betas 😉 You will have to wait and see what happens 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In all honesty, if you really did want a sneak peek at something, it could be arranged 😉 PM me if you’re serious and maybe I’ll be nice? 😛 But maybe not every time haha

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Poor Joce 😦 I feel terrible for her. I still feel like Mark reacted totally out of character and that might have been to hide his true feelings towards Joce… Then agajn, who knows? I just hope Joce doesn’t take after her grandmother and start getting into any extreme behavior after a broken heart…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I think SS Marklyne is still sailing. In fact, I think it just dodged on iceberg. The swerve made everyone stagger… but I’m torturing this metaphor more than CitizenErased does to her characters…

      Liked by 4 people

  5. Aww Joce! I feel so bad for her!

    It made me weirdly happy that Laura expressed concern for her for some reason – even though Laura’s not really a character. Perhaps because it means that Joce is so lovely that even the bitchy director cares when she’s clearly in pain?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha I’m glad you liked that ! 😛 Yeah, Laura is nothing more than a name and an occasional face in the story haha but I wanted to show that EVERYONE can tell something is wrong with Joce, who is usually so calm and pleasant and happy. It’s an immediately red-flag to everyone when she’s not herself, and like you said, she’s such a lovely and kind person that you can’t help but feel concerned when she’s clearly upset!

      The poor thing 😦


  6. Ohhh, she quit the job. I so wish I could see into Mark’s head right now. Or at least in the moment he finds out she quit. Because if he has feelings for her, he’s going to suffer!
    Hold on, Joce, there must be a happy ending somewhere! Battleship Marklyne is heavy plated, it will withstand the stormy weather!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I feel for Jocelyn, there is nothing worse than loving someone who possibly doesn’t feel the same way!!! She’s taking it hard and so would I if in her shoes! I think she did the right thing by quitting her job, plus it would be almost IMPOSSIBLE to face Mark after her frank confession to him!!
    Time does heal all wounds though, but sometimes it can take a while.
    I can’t wait to see inside of Mark’s head!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, this is such a horrible time for Jocelyne! I’d feel devastated in her shows too, and would probably quit my job too! 😦

      We will get Mark’s side soon 🙂 Thank you so much for reading, as always 🙂


  8. Aww… *gives Joce giant bear hug* Even though I REEEEALLY want you two to be together, if Mark doesn’t appreciate you, well then he’s just full of plum!

    Mark, think about it.

    And Citizen, I swear if you say “we’ll see what’s going to happen later on” again in the comments…. D: 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I don’t know man. I think the relationship she has with Mark is highly inappropriate. He is way older than her own father… I think it may be some underlying issues she has with herself.


    1. That is an interesting perspective! It’s definitely an unconventional relationship, and I can see how not everyone will be comfortable with it. (For what it’s worth, Mark is only 5 years older than Tobi. I don’t think he’s WAY older than her father, but it’s definitely strange that he is!)

      Also, I haven’t seen you comment before. Thank you for reading my story 🙂


  10. WOW! Laura asked if she was ok!? It must certainly be bad then! Poor Joce 😥 She still loves him and I just want to give her a massive hug ❤

    I don't blame her at all for not wanting to face Mark and quitting her job. The poor girl opened her heart up and got it squished in an instant! Don't worry Joce, you're not imagining things, I think your initial thoughts on Mark regarding you were correct…

    If Mark does feel towards Joce even an ounce that which she does for him, he really needs to apologise for that really cold reaction. Although I understand if he was feeling scared, shocked or confused…On the bright side? She no longer works for him… (hint hint 😉 )

    Liked by 1 person

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