4.34: Even Worse

I think it was about two months ago when Elliot first started talking to me. Do you remember that? And I said I sounded like I was sixteen again. Of course, then I remembered that I wasn’t writing about that sort of stuff when I was sixteen…

Well guess what?

This time, I really do feel like I’m sixteen again. And not in a good way.

I’m caught in the middle again. There’s all this drama, and all these secrets… and, of course, Clara is the one causing most of it. Some things never change, do they?

It turns out I was right – Clara is pregnant. With TWINS. Yes, really. I guess it runs in the family or something? I don’t know. I’m still trying to wrap my head around this whole thing.

And it gets worse – I was right about something else too… Florian still doesn’t know.

Clara keeps saying she’s waiting so she can tell him in person. And I do get it… That’s the type of conversation that’s much better face-to-face. But seriously? Waiting THAT long to tell him can’t be a good idea. I tried to tell her that, of course. But she just won’t listen.

Personally, I think it’s like Mark said – she’s just scared. This isn’t about waiting for the right time to tell him, this is about being too afraid to speak up and making excuses to keep the secret for as long as she can.

And I’ve gotta say, for how ridiculous she’s being about this whole thing, I really do get why Clara’s so scared about it. Florian’s never seemed all that interested in kids… Especially with how focused he is on the band. And he makes all these comments about how when you have kids, your life is over…

Maybe he’s just fooling around. Or maybe he was serious and really doesn’t want kids. Who knows? Obviously not Clara, since she won’t just speak up and tell him the truth! It’s like that old saying about the bandaid, right? Just rip it off.

I know Lena visited her this weekend… And I just keep hoping and hoping she somehow managed to get through to Clara. If anyone can change my Tante’s mind, it’s Lena… But until I’m back at school, I can’t do anything but sit here and hope for the best.

Of course, I can’t tell anyone about the babies. I promised I wouldn’t. And no matter how much I want to, I won’t do it. I can’t. This is Clara’s secret to tell. Not mine.

Now, you’d think all of that was bad enough, right?

But it gets even worse.

I finally found out what’s going on with Gus. And unlike Clara, that one genuinely shocked me. All that drama with Emma, all that sulking and moping around for months… It was because he’s gay.

Looking back on things, I guess there’s always been a few little clues here and there. I mean, Gus has always been a little more… sensitive than most boys, I guess. Ever since he was a little kid. And I know that’s an awful stereotype, but it kinda feels like it all makes more sense now, know what I mean?

Anyway, now that I know what’s really going on, I can’t help but feel so awful for poor Emma. She used to be like a little Schwester to me… but none of us have heard from her, ever since Gus ended things. We used to think that she was the one who hurt him… Now I know she’s just really confused right now, and heartbroken too. But I’m sure she’d understand if Gus just told her the truth. I know she would.

But Gus has to be ready before he tells her. And he says he is now, but… Who knows? This is a big deal for him. I know it can’t be easy, and I’m really proud that he found the courage to tell me. Now I just hope he finds enough courage to tell Emma too… And the rest of our family.

But until he does, guess what? Another secret added to the list.

I don’t mean to sound so bitter about it. I really don’t. It’s just so overwhelming to know these things and not be able to tell anyone about it. Do you know how hard it is to look Oma and Opa in the eyes without shouting “Clara’s pregnant”? Or lying to Papa when he asked if I’d found out anything from Gus? I feel like I’m gonna go crazy if I’m in this house for another minute!

I can’t wait to go back to Falkenburg tomorrow morning. To stop having to lie to my family’s face. To go back to where the secrets are so much easier to keep…

And to see Mark again. God, I just wish he was here with me. I just need to see his face, hear his voice… He’d know exactly what to say. He’d be able to make me feel better. He’d –

I meant Elliot. I can’t wait to see Elliot again. Not Mark.

How the hell did that happen? I guess all these secrets are turning my brain into mush or something…