4.32: Broken Promise

Remember that promise I made at the start of the semester? About just worrying about myself?

I think I might be breaking it already.

Which kind of sucks, since the just-worrying-about-me thing was working pretty well for a while. Really well, actually. I mean, things with Elliot are… Wow.

Last night, he asked me to be his girlfriend. Isn’t that amazing?! I almost couldn’t believe it… my first boyfriend. Ever. And after, while we were making out on his couch… Well, we didn’t have sex or anything, but let’s just say it was enough to earn me lots of squealing and high-fiving from Clara.

And y’know, I really loved seeing her so happy… I don’t think I’ve seen a real smile from her in weeks, to be honest. And that’s kind of the reason I’m breaking my “no worrying” promise in the first place.

Something’s been a little “off” about her, ever since we got back to school. And at first I thought she was just missing Florian, but now I’m not so sure… For the past week or two she’s just been so quiet, and sad. Way more withdrawn than usual. And crying all the time.

I can’t help it. It makes me think of back when we were kids, when she was with Julian. When she was keeping secrets from everyone in our family… And when she thought she might be pregnant.

But what if this time she doesn’t just think she is? What if…?

I feel awful jumping to conclusions like this. But it’s the only thing that makes sense. I mean, she’s been so moody, and craving all this weird food, and gaining weight. Or at least, I think she has. I mean, I guess she’s looking a little… bigger? And she’s been wearing nothing but sweatpants and baggy shirts for a couple weeks now…

Why would she hide this though? I mean yeah, back when she was 16 and dating a creepy older guy and trying to keep it a secret from her parents, I totally get why she wouldn’t tell anyone. But now? This is HUGE. Clara can’t keep this from me, or Oma and Opa… Or Florian. Something tells me she hasn’t told him, either…

Gah. I need to stop. I don’t even have any proof that any of this is true! Clara would tell me if she was pregnant. She trusts me, doesn’t she?

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just reading too much into this whole thing. But I really can’t help it. I’d been trying so hard not to worry about her (I mean, I’d been spending enough energy thinking about Auggy already!) but last night, when I got back from my date with Elliot, I found Clara crying on the couch. It really broke my heart to see her like that.

I want to help her, but how can I if I can’t even be sure what’s going on? If she won’t be honest with me? It bothered me all day… I just couldn’t stop thinking about it. Even Mark noticed something was wrong… I barely got a thing done my entire shift.

But he didn’t get mad. I knew he wouldn’t. He just asked me if I was okay, and even offered to let me leave early, if I needed to. I didn’t take him up on it, of course – not after I already left early last night. But the fact that he even offered meant so much. He’s always been so good to me. With all the shit Laura’s been giving me at rehearsals and how moody Clara’s been, it’s nice to feel like someone actually cares. Some days, I seriously don’t know what I’d do without him.

Anyway, I guess I’m kind of rambling now. It’s just so hard not to start freaking out… But I really need to calm down and breathe. I’m sure Clara’s fine. And if she’s not, she’ll talk to me about it, won’t she?

I almost wish Luc was here. I feel like he’d know exactly what to do. But he’s too busy being some hot-shot rockstar and banging half the girls in Europe.

God, I hope Florian’s looking out for him. The last thing I need is yet another sibling to have to worry about…