4.18: Overwhelmed

Oh gosh, I don’t even know where to start.

I feel so overwhelmed right now. Exhausted, excited, disappointed, confused… all at once.

I guess I should take things one at a time right now.

So let’s start with exhausted – It’s almost midnight, and I’ve been up since 5 o’clock this morning. Part of me wishes I could be in bed right now – I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow too.

Mei only dropped me off about half an hour ago anyway, but I decided to stay up and wait for everyone to get home. It’s kinda weird being the only one in my house… There are so many people in my family that there’s usually someone around. Come to think of it, this might be the first time I’ve actually been home all alone before. Kinda weird, right? But kinda nice too. I like the quiet. It’s peaceful… but also makes sleep even more tempting!

Thankfully my excitement is helping to counteract the exhaustion a little bit. That’s making it easier to stay up.

And the reason for the excitement (in case you’ve forgotten) is that tonight was opening night of the play! I was so terrified about things going wrong, but everything came together perfectly. I should have known they would – they always do. Mei and I did awesome. We all did, really.

I think the best part was during the curtain call – I got a standing ovation! That was the first time it’s ever happened to me. It was the best feeling in the world. Seriously.

Sounds pretty awesome, right? Because it was. It really was. But things would be way too easy if that was all there is to it. And it’s not. Of course it isn’t.

This is where the disappointment comes in.

Tonight was Luc’s band’s first gig. A real gig. In front of a real audience. On a real stage. At a real venue (a small one, obviously. But still). This is HUGE for them. And of course my family wanted to be there to support him.

But why did it have to be tonight? Why couldn’t it be any other weekend but this one?

I was the only one in the whole cast who had no one in the audience tonight. Well, no one but Joel. But that’s not the same. It made me so upset that none of my family could go. I felt so jealous of my Bruder… And I know I shouldn’t be. I still have two performances left anyway.

But I guess it kind of feels like they picked him over me, just like they always do. No matter how wrong I tell myself it is to feel that way, I just can’t help it.

I was lonely, knowing my whole family was off somewhere on the other side of the city without me. It just doesn’t seem fair.

Now, I guess there was one person besides Joel who showed up for me tonight. But definitely not in the way I was expecting.

Time for the confusion – Lena showed up backstage when the show was over. Yes, THAT Lena. Weird, right?

When I asked her what she was doing there, she looked more serious than I think I’ve ever seen her in my life. Then she told me she was there because she had an important favor to ask me. One she had to ask me in private.

I’ll never forget the look in her eyes when she said it: “I’m worried about Clara. Please… Keep an eye on her for me.”

I wasn’t sure what else to do, so I said I would.

And then that was it. She just nodded and walked away.

I’m still not quite sure what to make of it. Clara told me Lena knew all about this boyfriend, and that she was okay with it. Why the sudden change of heart? Or could it be something else? I’m not really sure. But I know I’m not about to ask Clara about it. I’ve made that mistake before.

So I guess all I can do is what Lena asked – keep an eye out and see what happens.

But for now, I’m gonna try not to think about it too much. I still have the matinee and our final performance to worry about tomorrow (and my parents promised they’d go to BOTH to make up for tonight, so I guess that’s good). I’m trying as hard as I can to stay positive right now about this whole thing.

I guess I’m still just frustrated in general, and not just about tonight – everything that’s been going on in my family these past couple months. And now to make things worse, I’m even more worried than ever about Clara.

I’ve been doing such a good job staying out of all the drama lately.

But I have a feeling it won’t last much longer.

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Thank you to the fabulous ra3rei for her stage/dressing room build! (It’s part of her amazing High School build that you can find on the gallery under her username!)