4.1: Dear Diary

In all the books and movies, people always start these things with “Dear Diary”, but that just feels so silly. It’s probably one of the lamest clichés ever… So I’m not gonna do it.

But what do I say instead? Should I just jump in? Am I supposed to say something about myself? Maybe? And who the heck am I asking all these questions to anyway?

I’m pretty sure no one will ever read this thing… Unless Clara gets her hands on it. She’d probably use it to try and dig up some dirt on me or something. Not that she’d find much. I’m probably one of the most boring people you’ll ever meet.

My name’s Jocelyne Rosebrook, by the way. I’m sixteen years old, and my Onkel Stefan just gave me this journal. I never really saw myself as the type of person to keep a diary, but I figure I should at least give it a try.

You could say writing kind of runs in my family. My great-grandfather’s the one who started it, and now… Well, now he’s gone.

His funeral was this morning, and it was so awful. I’ve never seen my family so miserable before. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt so miserable before either. I loved him so much… It’s just hard to believe that he’s really gone. I mean, he was totally fine one day, and the next they were rushing him to the hospital. They told us it was a stroke.

It sounds like such a horrible way to die. I don’t even wanna think about it.

I guess that’s kind of why I ended up hiding away up here in my room. Seeing everyone so upset, hearing them all talking about him… It just made everything worse for me. I had to get away. Hide. That sounds pretty bad, doesn’t it? It might not be the best solution, but… It’s just how I deal with stuff. And we’re all handling it in different ways, I guess.

This has been really awful for my bis-vovó, of course. Great-grandpa was the love of her life. We could all see it, any time they were together. She’s been trying so hard to smile these past few days. But you can see it in her eyes. She’s… empty. I don’t think she’ll ever be the same again.

My Oma’s been taking it really hard too. She’s keeping it together pretty well in front of the rest of us, but I can hear her crying in her room at night. Talking to Opa about the past, and how differently she wished she’d done things. Worrying about what a horrible daughter she was… It’s awful.

My parents are doing okay, I guess. I’m just so happy Onkel Stefan is able to be here for my Papa. They’ve always been so close.

I think it must be a twin thing. I can feel it with Luc too… Even though we fight like cats and dogs sometimes.

Anyway, I think it’ll be really hard for Papa when Onkel Stefan goes back home though. We won’t see him again until Christmas. Then it’ll be up to Maman to make Papa smile, I guess. Maybe easier said than done.

They’ve been acting kinda weird lately, even before great-grandpa died. I guess Papa’s always stressed this time of year, when the football season starts back up again. Maybe that’s it. And I’m sure losing his grandfather won’t help much…

And then there’s Gus, Luc, and Clara. They’ve got it just as bad as me right now.

Clara’s been spending a lot of time alone in her room the past few days – I guess we’re kind of alike that way… But that’s probably one of the ONLY ways. She just sits in there blasting that crappy, depressing music she’s always listening to. Do you know how hard it is to read or think or do ANYTHING when your bedroom wall is shaking because your Tante has clearly never heard of headphones?!

Luc’s been almost as annoying, but not in the same way. I mean yeah, he’s been all emo and playing his guitar and stuff. But at least that’s decent music.

It’s just that he keeps wanting to TALK about stuff. Telling all these stories about great-grandpa, talking about how he’s feeling, asking me if I’m okay… I know he’s trying to help. But I wish he’d leave me alone right now.

Lucky for him he’s got Gus to talk to. That little chatterbox never knows when to stop… Even now, with everything going on. He’s the biggest pain in the butt, of course. But I love him, and right now I guess I’m pretty grateful we have him around. We could all use a little brightness now that great-grandpa’s gone… And Gus definitely brings it.

Anyway, that’s enough rambling from me for now. I was only planning on jotting down a couple sentences… Guess I got a little carried away for a minute. But you know what? Writing all that stuff down felt pretty good. Really good, actually. And it was so easy.

Maybe Onkel Stefan was right. Maybe anyone really can be a writer.

And maybe this tradition isn’t so silly after all.