Okay. I can do this. I’m better now.
I went back and read my last couple of entries… And… Well, that was pretty fucking awful.
So future-me (or any unlucky soul who somehow ends up reading this one day), in case you’re wondering why there are four pages ripped out of this thing… Yeah. Now you know.
I know I should never have written all that horrible shit. It just hurts so much. This is killing me.
My baby is leaving me. In TWO weeks.
There was no notice, no hint, nothing. Stefan just dropped that huge fucking bombshell on us one night after dinner. It was horrible. And I’m not proud of how I reacted. I just… lost it. It was almost a week before I calmed down enough to call Josh and apologize. Yeah. That was fun.
I know this isn’t about Josh. It was really hard to see it at first, but… Stefan made it pretty clear. This is about getting away. Starting fresh. Finding himself. All that crap. I get it. I do.
But if he really wanted out of Windenburg, why not just try another part of Germany? Or even Champs Les Sims? I’m sure Amelie could have helped him find something. Hell, even Monte Vista would have been better than this.
But no. He has to go across the friggin’ Atlantic Ocean.
Dad’s been talking to me a lot. Trying to calm me down. Telling me all these dumb old stories from when way back when he moved to Windenburg. And he’s kind of helping, I guess.
I’ve gotten better at hiding how I’m feeling, at least. That’s a start, right? I’m being SO damn careful. No talking about the move. No reaction when anyone brings it up. Calm. Smiling. Happy. The way I should be. The way I know Stefan wants me to be. That’s what he needs right now. And damn it, I’m gonna give it to him. No matter how much it hurts.
Because I just can’t bear to think about him being mad at me when he leaves.
If he leaves.
That’s the one glimmer of hope in this whole thing… As horrible as it is to admit it.
I almost think he’s starting to have second thoughts about leaving. I overheard him talking to Tobi last night.
“I’m not sure if I can do this.” He said. “Maybe this is a mistake.”
Do you know how hard it was not to burst in there and tell him I agree? That this is a huge mistake? That he can’t leave us? That staying here is what’s best?
But it’s like Jonas keeps telling me — Best for who?
So I didn’t say anything. It killed me not to… But I didn’t. He needs to make this choice himself. He needs to decide on his own.
And I just need to let it happen.
For better or worse.
Author’s Note: I just felt compelled to mention that this was the last Mari journal in this legacy (unless I make some sort of drastic change to my plan!). I know she did not have many fans, but I am so attached to her and it really made me sad knowing this was the last time I’d be writing in her voice!
We’ll still be seeing her around of course, but her time as a POV character is over. (Stefan’s time is over too, actually! The last two chapters of this generation are not journals. I am going to miss him too 😦 But I didn’t write him as long as I wrote Mari, so I guess there’s a bit less attachment there haha).
I’m glad we got to end with Mari on something of a positive note. Mari is learning to support her son and control her feelings. For her, this is huge. And when I think back on how far she’s come since Gen 2, I’m very proud of her. ❤
Okay, sappy moment over 😛
Oh, and a very Happy Father’s Day from Alex, Jonas, and Tobi 😀