3.44: Don’t Worry

You know what I never realized until today?

This is the first time in the boys’ entire lives that they’ve both been away from home – away from me – at the same time. Ever.

Okay… Maybe not ever. There was one time, when they were just a few months old…

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But I try not to think of those days anymore.

Anyway, saying goodbye to them… It hurt. So much. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t let them see me cry, but I just couldn’t stop. I felt like such a fucking idiot. And I probably looked like one too.

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But the boys really wanted this. And, to be honest, they probably needed it too. They’ve both been so upset lately, and it’s been really painful to see them like that. Maybe getting away for a couple weeks is just what they need. Take their mind off things, y’know? At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

After I was finally able to calm down, things weren’t so bad. Not at first. Clara, the twins, and Auggy have kept me smiling. They’re taking my mind off things. Keeping me busy. And for a while, it was working.

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But lately, instead of getting easier, it just keeps getting harder –and it’s only been one week. I still have eight more days until I get to see Tobi and Stefan again. I knew I would miss them… But I hadn’t counted on missing them this much. The house just feels so different without them. My boys. My babies…

But that’s just it, isn’t it? I need to accept that they really aren’t my babies anymore – they’re grown men now. And they’re perfectly capable of handling themselves on their own. Plus, Josh swore up and down that he’d take good care of them – that they’d be fine. And I believe him. I do. It’s just so hard…

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Especially with all the calls and texts.

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love hearing from them. The sound of their voices was something I didn’t think I’d miss as much as I do.

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But I also didn’t think it’d be so hard hearing how much fun they’re having with Josh’s family. All those thoughts from before – the ones I was finally able to control – they’re coming back. Or trying to, at least. It’s like there’s this little voice in the back of my mind or something. Taunting me, y’know? Telling me Josh is trying to take them away. That they’ll love his family more than they love ours. That they’ll stay there with him and never come back home.

I know it’s not true. I know it isn’t. And Jonas has been helping remind me of that every day. But it’s still hard. I’m trying though.

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I just miss them, I guess. And I know I’m not the only one. Colette’s been putting on a brave face for the kids, but I can tell how much she’s hurting. And I feel like Clara and the twins ask me every day when Tobi and Stefan are coming home.

“Soon.” I always tell them. “Don’t worry.”

Some days it’s hard to tell whether I’m trying to comfort the kids, or myself.

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49 Responses to 3.44: Don’t Worry

  1. Senna says:

    No, not the voices again, Mari! 😮

    Also, I’m a bit amused by that random framed pear picture in the second ‘present’ picture.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Spottydog714 says:

    Oh, Mari. You’re their mum, after all. And they love you. remember that. *hugs Mari*

    Liked by 2 people

  3. kaffepigen says:

    I’m starting to get the feeling that Stefan will end up moving to the US, either because he meets a girl there or because he finds out he’s happier there, maybe because it’s different from what he’s used to.

    And also, i think Mari is just bit too attached to her sons. Like she said, they’re not her babies anymore. They’re grown men. They are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves. It’s okay to miss them, but what she is going through is pretty severe.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Mari is definitely more attached to her sons than some parents might be! I think part of this stems from her fragile mental health. She puts too much into her relationships and has an intense fear of abandonment. So it’s making it very hard for her right now!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. RemïNarrow says:

    Aww Mari, your boys will always love you no matter what! They’ll always be yours! :’)

    Btw, those flashback screenshots at the beginning, man they were so good!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Mari, Mari, Mari. Come on chick! I could punch stupid Diego in the face (Diego was the name of the high school boyfriend.. right?)! I mean damn!

    Okay, I’m calm. I just wish Mari had a firmer grasp on reality. Even if her sons did move to America, how is that the worst thing ever? She’s such an apocalyptic muser. Everything is worst case scenario, it’s hard to read sometimes. But that’s more about my tendency to find silver linings everywhere (post-rant of course).

    I love me some Mari, but she wears on my nerves.


    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahaha Mari’s mental and emotional issues make her have a very warped sense of reality (and self), which certainly has a big impact on her life!

      Though, in her defense, I think it would be very hard to imagine my sons moving thousands and thousands of miles alway from me, across an ocean, even! It would not be easy. So I get that fear! But she’s jumping to very wild conclusions right now, because she’s Mari. Lmao

      Liked by 1 person

      • Hard to imagine? Sure. Life shattering? Nuh-uh.

        In moments like this, I can’t help but wonder what she’d be like if her family had intervened earlier rather than letting her fall down the rabbit hole of despair.

        Truth be told, as much as Mari frustrates me, she also has my respect. She’s fought so hard to hold on to herself. And she has raised an amazing family. I feel like I’m always bashing her, so I had to say that.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Jes2G says:

    Well, good thing you’re in kind of a legacy family, Mari, where it is quite normal for perfectly capable children with their own families to still live at home with you LOL. They probably would have been gone by now in regular families.

    Liked by 3 people

  7. sonniejj says:

    Oh Mari… I’m just so glad she has Jonas to support her. I hope she feels better when they come back from their trip

    Liked by 1 person

  8. silentwolfy101 says:

    *huggles and wolfy cuddles* It’s gonna be alright, Mari. They’ll come home… Unless Citizen plans on being evil again…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. crstasse says:

    I can see it being really hard for Mari to let her boys go as they played such a major role in her finding a way out of her depression and darkness. I get the feeling Stefan will stay in the states, because I think he needs to make that break. His story is definitely the most interesting one at the moment so I don’t want him to go and I’m really curious to see what he does and what happens to him next.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I’m glad you’re enjoying Stefan’s story right now! ^_^ We will see soon where it’s all headed!


  10. theplumbob says:

    Wow, these people are codependent. Forget Mari being Mari, that’s to be expected. But Colette is in agony over her husband being gone for mere two weeks? And the twins have never both been away from their mom at the same time at the age of what, 26? As someone who permanently moved abroad, I just don’t get it.


    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Lmao “in agony” is pushing it. I don’t think Mari used those words, but I wrote this like a week ago so I can’t be sure haha

      And they’ve both been away before, but just not at the same time. They’ve never both had reason to leave together. Growing up, I can’t remember a time both my brother and I were away for more than like a day at the same time. Until my brother moved out, of course!

      It must be an experience thing! I am not intending for them to come off as codependent, just close. Sorry for not portraying it well!


    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Also, you either missed a chapter or didn’t comment. I’m not sure haha


    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh and the twins are 24 🙂


    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Sorry, I guess it rubbed me the wrong way a bit because my family is very close both emotionally and geographically, so I do not find their reactions unreasonable at all. So you are basically calling ME codependent and I don’t like that haha


  11. theplumbob says:

    Oh it’s definitely an experience thing. Growing up I remember my dad went away on a fair few several week long business trips when I was a kid, but the only one that I remember being hard was when he was away for 3 months, that did suck for both my mom and for me.

    I don’t have any siblings, so I guess it was always all or nothing when I was away lol. I went to England for two months when I was 17, moved to the other side of the country for uni later, and then to Spain and to England later on…

    The point of me basically writing out my life story (sorry haha!) is that the Rosebrooks have a very different life to what I’m used to. I love my parents, but I could not stand living with them, my grandparents, a (hypothetical) sibling and their spouse… and their kids on top of that? Err, no thank you 😀


    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahaha definitely a very different experience! But I still argue that that doesn’t make them codependent (except for Mari, but that’s one of her many issues). Especially Colette home with her two young children and a baby. I’d miss my husband too! (Especially since Colette is used to him always being busy with games and practices. And now that he finally has a few months off, he goes away for weeks!)


      • theplumbob says:

        I only said that jokingly – I probably should have included a smiley face haha! Of course anyone would miss their partner, though two weeks fly by. Especially if you have three kids to look after and a house full of people to distract you, I’d imagine 🙂


  12. Oh no Mari! You are strong, you can handle this! *cries* damn you Amanda when did I go from not liking Mari to loving and feeling for her?!?

    Liked by 1 person

  13. First time is hardest, Mari. If you can get through it this time you can get through it easier next time.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. theceltygirly says:

    I like the beginning parallel images with her crying. It’s actually really powerful.

    Liked by 1 person

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