3.44: Don’t Worry

You know what I never realized until today?

This is the first time in the boys’ entire lives that they’ve both been away from home – away from me – at the same time. Ever.

Okay… Maybe not ever. There was one time, when they were just a few months old…

But I try not to think of those days anymore.

Anyway, saying goodbye to them… It hurt. So much. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t let them see me cry, but I just couldn’t stop. I felt like such a fucking idiot. And I probably looked like one too.

But the boys really wanted this. And, to be honest, they probably needed it too. They’ve both been so upset lately, and it’s been really painful to see them like that. Maybe getting away for a couple weeks is just what they need. Take their mind off things, y’know? At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

After I was finally able to calm down, things weren’t so bad. Not at first. Clara, the twins, and Auggy have kept me smiling. They’re taking my mind off things. Keeping me busy. And for a while, it was working.

But lately, instead of getting easier, it just keeps getting harder –and it’s only been one week. I still have eight more days until I get to see Tobi and Stefan again. I knew I would miss them… But I hadn’t counted on missing them this much. The house just feels so different without them. My boys. My babies…

But that’s just it, isn’t it? I need to accept that they really aren’t my babies anymore – they’re grown men now. And they’re perfectly capable of handling themselves on their own. Plus, Josh swore up and down that he’d take good care of them – that they’d be fine. And I believe him. I do. It’s just so hard…

Especially with all the calls and texts.

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love hearing from them. The sound of their voices was something I didn’t think I’d miss as much as I do.

But I also didn’t think it’d be so hard hearing how much fun they’re having with Josh’s family. All those thoughts from before – the ones I was finally able to control – they’re coming back. Or trying to, at least. It’s like there’s this little voice in the back of my mind or something. Taunting me, y’know? Telling me Josh is trying to take them away. That they’ll love his family more than they love ours. That they’ll stay there with him and never come back home.

I know it’s not true. I know it isn’t. And Jonas has been helping remind me of that every day. But it’s still hard. I’m trying though.

I just miss them, I guess. And I know I’m not the only one. Colette’s been putting on a brave face for the kids, but I can tell how much she’s hurting. And I feel like Clara and the twins ask me every day when Tobi and Stefan are coming home.

“Soon.” I always tell them. “Don’t worry.”

Some days it’s hard to tell whether I’m trying to comfort the kids, or myself.