3.43: Lies

Y’know, I don’t think I’ll ever forget what Mama told me and Tobi when we got our first journals all those years ago. God, we were such stupid kids back then… And maybe we still are, in a way.

Anyway, she sat us both down and made us promise we’d only ever write the truth. No matter what. And then, she said the words that I think will stick with me for the rest of my life – “The worst person to lie to is yourself.”

I don’t know how it took me so long to figure it out… But I think that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Lying to myself. For practically my whole life.

Shit.

I think there’s a part of me that’s always known it. Deep down, y’know? But I didn’t get my wakeup call until a couple of weeks ago.

Tobi had been waiting his whole career for a shot at the World Cup. I mean Hell, getting a spot on the national team in the first place was already huge enough. But this was even bigger. Maybe the biggest moment of his life.

And he totally, utterly blew it.

And you know what? I wasn’t sad. Or angry. Or disappointed. I mean, I pretended to be, sure. But I wasn’t. At all.

I was happy. Like, really fucking happy.

Yeah, that didn’t last long. As soon as I realized what an absolute piece of shit I was being, I just felt disgusted with myself… I mean seriously – what the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve been thinking about it all week. Trying to make sense of it all. Wondering why. Why do I feel this way? Why am I being such a dick?

Today after work, I took a long walk. Tried to clear my head, y’know? And I think I might have finally figured it out.

I was happy… Because Tobi isn’t.

He’s sad. He’s angry. He failed. He fucked up. He feels like shit. For once in our lives, he’s the one who’s miserable.

Not me.

For as long as I can remember, Tobi’s had… everything.

Looks. Popularity. Love. Family. Success. Fame.

It all just came so fucking easy to him. Handed to him on a goddamn silver platter or something.

And what about me, huh? Trouble making friends, ever since I was a little kid.

Year after year of failed relationships and one night stands.

A degree I’m not doing shit with because I can’t find a decent job in this fucking city.

He never butts heads with Mama the way I do. He never had a hard time warming up to Jonas the way I did.

He’s always been the golden child. And I’ve just been… me.

My entire life, I’ve been lying to myself – making myself believe that finding my biological Vater would magically fix everything. I guess I thought if I found that missing part of myself, it would change everything. It would finally make things make sense. It would make all my problems disappear. It would finally make me feel happy. Normal. Whole.

And now that I’ve finally found Josh… I think I’ve figured it out.

Finding him has never been the problem. Neither has Jonas. Hell, not even Tobi, really.

It’s me.

I’m what’s wrong. I’m what needs to change.

I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. And years of resenting my Bruder or trying to find my Vater hasn’t done shit to change that.

Now I’m just as lost as I was before – but this time, I don’t have anything to keep me going. I mean, I was so fucking convinced finding Josh would make things better. I never had a ‘Plan B’. I don’t know what the Hell I’m gonna do.

Tobi and I are leaving tomorrow for Willow Creek. And honestly? I don’t even know if I’m excited about it anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong – Josh is awesome. I really love him. And I’m sure his family’s great too…

But I’m just so lost right now. So empty.

And I’m tired of pretending everything’s okay.