3.43: Lies

Y’know, I don’t think I’ll ever forget what Mama told me and Tobi when we got our first journals all those years ago. God, we were such stupid kids back then… And maybe we still are, in a way.

3

Anyway, she sat us both down and made us promise we’d only ever write the truth. No matter what. And then, she said the words that I think will stick with me for the rest of my life – “The worst person to lie to is yourself.”

3 (2)

I don’t know how it took me so long to figure it out… But I think that’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Lying to myself. For practically my whole life.

Shit.

05-26-16_8-15-16 PM

I think there’s a part of me that’s always known it. Deep down, y’know? But I didn’t get my wakeup call until a couple of weeks ago.

Tobi had been waiting his whole career for a shot at the World Cup. I mean Hell, getting a spot on the national team in the first place was already huge enough. But this was even bigger. Maybe the biggest moment of his life.

And he totally, utterly blew it.

05-26-16_8-39-43 PM

And you know what? I wasn’t sad. Or angry. Or disappointed. I mean, I pretended to be, sure. But I wasn’t. At all.

I was happy. Like, really fucking happy.

05-26-16_8-40-24 PM

Yeah, that didn’t last long. As soon as I realized what an absolute piece of shit I was being, I just felt disgusted with myself… I mean seriously – what the fuck is wrong with me? I’ve been thinking about it all week. Trying to make sense of it all. Wondering why. Why do I feel this way? Why am I being such a dick?

Today after work, I took a long walk. Tried to clear my head, y’know? And I think I might have finally figured it out.

05-26-16_9-01-55 PM

I was happy… Because Tobi isn’t.

He’s sad. He’s angry. He failed. He fucked up. He feels like shit. For once in our lives, he’s the one who’s miserable.

Not me.

05-26-16_9-01-04 PM

For as long as I can remember, Tobi’s had… everything.

03-13-16_7-36-41 PM

Looks. Popularity. Love. Family. Success. Fame.

29

It all just came so fucking easy to him. Handed to him on a goddamn silver platter or something.

05-26-16_8-55-31 PM

And what about me, huh? Trouble making friends, ever since I was a little kid.

1

Year after year of failed relationships and one night stands.

04-14-16_6-22-16 PM

A degree I’m not doing shit with because I can’t find a decent job in this fucking city.

04-14-16_6-23-38 PM

He never butts heads with Mama the way I do. He never had a hard time warming up to Jonas the way I did.

02-29-16_8-22-14 PM

He’s always been the golden child. And I’ve just been… me.

03-08-16_7-52-00 PM

My entire life, I’ve been lying to myself – making myself believe that finding my biological Vater would magically fix everything. I guess I thought if I found that missing part of myself, it would change everything. It would finally make things make sense. It would make all my problems disappear. It would finally make me feel happy. Normal. Whole.

And now that I’ve finally found Josh… I think I’ve figured it out.

04-27-16_10-00-59 PM

Finding him has never been the problem. Neither has Jonas. Hell, not even Tobi, really.

It’s me.

I’m what’s wrong. I’m what needs to change.

05-26-16_8-24-08 PM

I’m not happy. I’m not satisfied. And years of resenting my Bruder or trying to find my Vater hasn’t done shit to change that.

Now I’m just as lost as I was before – but this time, I don’t have anything to keep me going. I mean, I was so fucking convinced finding Josh would make things better. I never had a ‘Plan B’. I don’t know what the Hell I’m gonna do.

05-26-16_8-19-03 PM

Tobi and I are leaving tomorrow for Willow Creek. And honestly? I don’t even know if I’m excited about it anymore. I mean, don’t get me wrong – Josh is awesome. I really love him. And I’m sure his family’s great too…

But I’m just so lost right now. So empty.

And I’m tired of pretending everything’s okay.

05-26-16_8-22-17 PM

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35 Responses to 3.43: Lies

  1. Senna says:

    You can just feel the sadness and bitterness from Stefan’s words in this chapter. 😥

    Well done.

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you! (Though I feel awful making Stefan so unhappy!). This is a big step for him — he’s recognizing that he really needs to find himself. But now the question is how…

      Like

  2. audreyfld says:

    Rock bottom. Isn’t that what it’s called? I am glad he finally realized his happiness was his responsibility. Now comes the hard work for him. I suspect we may be saying goodbye to Stefan while he finds himself. I hope if he does go away we will get to see him from time to time. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Oh yes, Stefan is definitely rock bottom right now! Good insight. Poor guy 😦 But, as you also mentioned, he’s kind of taken the first step by realizing that he never needed to find Josh, he needed to find HIMSELF. We’ll see pretty soon how that might happen for him. We have about 15 Gen 3 chapters left!

      Like

  3. Simslover163 says:

    Poor Stefan. One day, you’ll discover the true you. All you have to do is take it step by step.

    Well done making me feeling Stefan’s sadness and bitterness. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you Simslover! I’m glad this chapter had an impact, but it was tough to write poor Stefan this way. He is in a very bad place right now. Let’s hope he can get himself out soon! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. kaffepigen says:

    I think Stefan needs a psychiatrist. He’s definitely depressed and hurting. He needs emidiate help. Maybe, if Dr. Durand is still alive, he can help him?
    It’s so sad seeing him like this.

    I get that maybe he’s a bit jealous of Tobi? It’s understandable considering how far Tobi has gotten in his life and how Stefan is so stuck in the same pace as always. I really feel sorry for him.

    Btw did you get a new font? Love it ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Stefan is most definitely in a dark place right now… and some psychological help probably wouldn’t hurt!

      He’s definitely feeling like he’s in his brother’s shadow. He needs to find a way to bring himself out… We’ll see relatively soon how he does it! The gen is getting closer and closer to ending!

      And nope, no new font! Not to my knowledge, at least XD

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Jes2G says:

    Heeeey, NOW we’re getting somewhere! What’s that they say in support groups? The first step is to admit you have a problem? Well done, Stefan. I will hug you now.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahahahaha yes, he has taken the first step! XD I never pegged Stefan for much of a hugger unless it’s close family (or Josh lol). But… He will give you an awkward side-hug and say thanks 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Spottydog714 says:

    Noooooooooooooo Stefan! Don’t collapse into a spiral of self-hate and give us Mari-levels of drama! I don’t think I could ever deal with Mari levels of drama again without going crazy awaiting updates! And I think you’re good-looking! You’re in the Rosebrook family, after all. 😉 Also, just between you and me, I think getting a degree is much better for us brainiacs than being famous! You should be proud. And stop comparing yourself to your brother. Focus on what you do have. A family who loves you. A degree for goodness sake! And you do have some friends. You must do. And I’ll let you into a little secret – the reason you’re you is because you’re your mother’s son and there’s that thing called a hot-headed trait. 😀
    Love the update! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahaha I love the little pep talk! Don’t worry, he won’t ever reach Mari levels! And you’re right, he does have a lot to be proud of (and he is most certainly good looking! Rawr… Haha). But he still feels very empty 😦 He needs something to make him happy and satisfied!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. RemïNarrow says:

    Oh man the feels! 😖 I feel so so bad for Stefan like I seriously just wanna go hug him😭

    You will be alright Stefan. Whatever happens, happens for a reason so I’m sure this trip to the US is going to bring happiness in your life, Idk how tho 😝 But I’m certain it will! Stay strong 😌

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Jealousy is a fickle bitch…:/ Tobi has had it, but he hasn’t I also feel like. He screwed up royally getting pregnant super early, but he’s made it work. Poor Stefan. What have you got in mind Amanda….?

    Liked by 1 person

  9. He needs a good dose of mirror looking. He needs to look at his life and see that it’s not as bad as he’s making it out to be. I’m really hoping this trip to see Josh will give him some space to gain some new perspective.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. sonniejj says:

    Aaaawwh poor Stefan 😦 he does take after his mom a little bit. I feel bad that he is in such a bad place right now. But I can totally relate to comparing yourself to someone close to you and feeling like they do everything better and are handed everything on a silver plate. It’s no easy thing to go through.

    I love your psychological/self-reflection chapters though. I’m a psychologystudent so this type of thing really interests me 🙂 underlying emotions and all that.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you! I love writing these types of chapters, and getting deep into my characters’ heads. How cool that you study psychology! That’s awesome 🙂 Thank you so much for reading!

      Like

  11. silentwolfy101 says:

    Now Stefan… Don’t do anything rash. Please…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. peacesign101 says:

    My questions answered. Wow. He’s not going to commit suicide or murder Tobi or something, right? Or is he going to try and make a fresh start in Willow Creek and leave :0

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I don’t know why this made me laugh, but it did haha sorry! Stefan would never hurt his brother or himself, I promise! As for the second prediction, slightly more likely (and less violent haha) but not necessarily what will happen… We’ll see! Thanks for reading! ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

  13. crstasse says:

    I really love this chapter!! You could feel Stefan’s pain. I’m really curious to see if and how he finds himself again. I especially love reading a characters journey of being in a dark place and finding your way out of it. Great pics as always. You do such an amazing job.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. And now it hits him. I hope he finds a way to be happy – the main thing stopping him is his own expectations.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Hey CitizenErased14, just did another massive binge read of A2A. I’m loving all the DRAMA you brought into the generation. I couldn’t think there could be anymore DRAMA then we had in Mari’s generation, but you did it! I loved reading through Collete and Tobi’s love story and all the roller-coaster of trying to find the boys father.
    I felt the need to stop reading here and commenting because I’m really feeling Stefan’s pain. I see a lot of Mari in him. He reminded me much of her in that picture of him looking in the mirror. . Even in your writing I could feel he was being a bit “neglected” and never really felt part of the story. I know every story has to have secondary characters but I feel like he need a bit of a spotlight.
    I’ve been #TeamStefan since he was a little kid and I sure hope he get’s his true happiness in the end

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you for reading! Stefan definitely shares a lot of his mother’s pain. It was very sad to write about!

      You’re quite close to the end of this gen, I know, but Stefan definitely has the spotlight as the gen comes to a close 🙂 I didn’t intentionally “neglect” Stefan in my writing — he is a central character to the plot! Tobi had the spotlight back when they were teens, but the YA years are very much about Stefan finding himself (which he’s already working towards)

      I’m sorry if you’re unhappy with Stefan’s storyline! I hope your reading break is only temporary and that you’ll come back to finish the gen and see what happens to Stefan 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • In no way I’m unhappy with the story, I liked going trough all of the rumble in this generation and hearing Tobi’s story and I know you had plans for Stefan too. I just have a little soft side for Stefan and I usually always root for the underdog. I will keep reading and let you know in the comments for the next chapters.

        Liked by 1 person

  16. shiba306 says:

    Stefan reminds me more and more of Mari with every chapter. I can see that has been said before but oh well haha. Also, the boys are so handsome when they are smiling and happy (seriously you torture your poor characters XD ). And as always, your screenshots are amazing. ^^

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I know, I know! My characters so rarely smile 😂😂😂

      And yes, Stefan is very much his mother’s son. He has a lot of anger inside him, as well as self-doubt/not-awesome self esteem. 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  17. theceltygirly says:

    Of course happy train had to crash eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

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