Thank God I can finally breathe again.
Things have been pretty fucking awful lately. Like, more awful than they’ve been in a Hell of a long time. It was so damn bad that, for a while, it almost didn’t even feel like I was me anymore… Or at least, not the normal me. The good one. The happy one.
Know what I mean?
Anyway, Josh finally left this morning. The boys got up early, drove him to the airport, said their goodbyes… And then he was gone.
My first thought was “Good riddance”, of course. The one thing that had been making me miserable for the past two weeks was finally gone. Who wouldn’t be thrilled about that?
But now that he’s gone – now that I can finally think straight again… I’m starting to feel like maybe I was the one making myself miserable.
Jonas and I talked about it earlier, for a long time. And it was… rough.
I yelled a little.
And he yelled back.
Then I cried…
And he listened.
Then he held me for a while.
And when it was all over, it was my turn to listen.
I guess I can’t really say I liked what I heard, but…
God damn it. I think he’s right.
No, I know he’s right.
I just wish the boys could understand what this is doing to me. How much this whole thing fucking kills me. And how sorry I am for being such a… What was it he called me the other night? A raging bitch? God, it hurt like Hell hearing that… But I think what made it worse was that I knew it was true.
I don’t know if I’ll ever have the guts to actually face Josh again. Not after everything that’s happened. I’m too much of a fucking coward for that.
But the least I can do is apologize to my boys.
I mean, I still think they fucked this whole thing up by going behind my back. And I’m still not comfortable with this Josh guy trying to be part of their lives. I don’t think I’ll ever be. Even Jonas isn’t. Not completely, at least.
But my husband is right. This isn’t about him. And this isn’t about me, either.
This is about Tobi and Stefan. And I’m gonna try so damn hard not to forget that.
I just hope I can do it.
I mean, it’s so easy to say that now – “I can do better.” “I can change.” “I won’t mess up again.” Yeah, none of that means shit until you actually follow through. I know from experience – lots of it, unfortunately.
What the Hell am I gonna do when I see this guy again? When my sons go running off to spend time with him? When he takes my grandkids out for ice cream? When Clara won’t stop talking about him?
When I’m sitting there wondering when Jonas suddenly stopped being good enough for them? When I stopped being good enough for them?
I wish I could say that I won’t fall apart again. I’d give anything to be able to make that promise to the boys… But I can’t. I know I can’t.
I guess all I can do now is tell them I’m sorry and pray to God I somehow manage to keep my shit together the next time Josh shows up at my door…
Guess I’d better figure this out quick.
I’ve got less than two months.