3.40: Breathe Again

Thank God I can finally breathe again.

Things have been pretty fucking awful lately. Like, more awful than they’ve been in a Hell of a long time. It was so damn bad that, for a while, it almost didn’t even feel like I was me anymore… Or at least, not the normal me. The good one. The happy one.

Know what I mean?

05-21-16_6-13-28 PM

Anyway, Josh finally left this morning. The boys got up early, drove him to the airport, said their goodbyes… And then he was gone.

My first thought was “Good riddance”, of course. The one thing that had been making me miserable for the past two weeks was finally gone. Who wouldn’t be thrilled about that?

But now that he’s gone – now that I can finally think straight again… I’m starting to feel like maybe I was the one making myself miserable.

05-21-16_6-23-51 PM

Jonas and I talked about it earlier, for a long time. And it was… rough.

I yelled a little.

05-21-16_6-30-58 PM

And he yelled back.

05-21-16_6-35-57 PM

Then I cried…

05-21-16_6-40-53 PM

And he listened.

05-21-16_6-43-10 PM

Then he held me for a while.

05-21-16_6-46-29 PM

And when it was all over, it was my turn to listen.

05-21-16_6-48-58 PM

I guess I can’t really say I liked what I heard, but…

God damn it. I think he’s right.

No, I know he’s right.

Fuck.

05-21-16_6-50-29 PM

I just wish the boys could understand what this is doing to me. How much this whole thing fucking kills me. And how sorry I am for being such a… What was it he called me the other night? A raging bitch? God, it hurt like Hell hearing that… But I think what made it worse was that I knew it was true.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the guts to actually face Josh again. Not after everything that’s happened. I’m too much of a fucking coward for that.

But the least I can do is apologize to my boys.

05-21-16_6-25-38 PM

I mean, I still think they fucked this whole thing up by going behind my back. And I’m still not comfortable with this Josh guy trying to be part of their lives. I don’t think I’ll ever be. Even Jonas isn’t. Not completely, at least.

But my husband is right. This isn’t about him. And this isn’t about me, either.

This is about Tobi and Stefan. And I’m gonna try so damn hard not to forget that.

I just hope I can do it.

05-21-16_6-26-37 PM

I mean, it’s so easy to say that now – “I can do better.” “I can change.” “I won’t mess up again.” Yeah, none of that means shit until you actually follow through. I know from experience – lots of it, unfortunately.

What the Hell am I gonna do when I see this guy again? When my sons go running off to spend time with him? When he takes my grandkids out for ice cream? When Clara won’t stop talking about him? When I’m sitting there wondering when Jonas suddenly stopped being good enough for them? When I stopped being good enough for them?

I wish I could say that I won’t fall apart again. I’d give anything to be able to make that promise to the boys… But I can’t. I know I can’t.

05-21-16_6-27-36 PM

I guess all I can do now is tell them I’m sorry and pray to God I somehow manage to keep my shit together the next time Josh shows up at my door…

Guess I’d better figure this out quick.

I’ve got less than two months.

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41 Responses to 3.40: Breathe Again

  1. Senna says:

    Here’s hoping those boys accept their apology.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Finally caught up on this! I think I’ve commented before, but I don’t remember for sure…

    This whole Josh thing has been so stressful! I feel so bad for everyone, as it hasn’t been easy for any of them… But I totally adore Jonas. He handled everything so well. I love how understanding he is. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Simslover163 says:

    I hope the boys will accept Mari’s apology. If they don’t, they can forget about dessert after dinner! Worse, no dinner for several weeks! Simple as that! I can see that she’s been really worked up and stressed after the days Josh was there.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. raerei says:

    Yay Mari, it’s important to realize you made a mistake and make amends. Here’s to hoping you can keep those promises when Josh comes back and buys more ice cream for the grandkids. Cuz, I’m sorry to say – he will be back.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. audreyfld says:

    Oh no! He’s returning so soon. So the breather is going to be really short. But they needed one. I do hope they use this time to reconnect and discuss what happened and how it might play out in the future. Mari needs some ground rules! Maybe she will tell them how much they are hurting Jonas without yelling it. She needs to take up for him for a change.

    Like

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I think you make a good point about Mari sticking up for Jonas, but I almost feel like he wouldn’t want her to, y’know? He would probably refer to “let sleeping dogs lie” right now. He is very much a peacemaker and doesn’t want to cause any further drama!

      I do think Mari will most definitely have some ground rules for Josh’s next visit, and hopefully she can stick with them!

      Liked by 1 person

      • audreyfld says:

        I have no doubt he wouldn’t want her to and would be very uncomfortable if she did it and then try to smooth it over. But I don’t think they realize how hard this is on him since he doesn’t let it show and if she would say it, then maybe….Jonas seriously needs a hug and some Tobi and Stefan love. ❤

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Farbkleckswelten says:

    I think Tobi will definetely accept the apology right away. Stefan might take a little bit longer, but he’ll come around too

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Spottydog714 says:

    But late than never, huh, Mari? I’m very happy that you realised it was you that was making everything miserable.
    And how many times must we tell you? You are good enough for your boys! They love you! And Jonas is good enough for your boys! Even Stefan loves Jonas! They just need this for them If you think about it, they both love you and Jonas more than they love Josh. Put yourself in their shoes and you will realise that finding their real dad is a big thing. For any child – oops – I mean person! (They were so adorable as children. And sometimes they behave like children too!) But that doesn’t mean that you or Jonas aren’t good enough. They love you! 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. lisabeesims says:

    ❤ Jonas is a keeper!!

    Like

  9. Jes2G says:

    One point for team #BabySteps! And, another visit so soon? What for…birth of the next grandkid? At least they gave her some notice this time and she’ll have a chance to prepare herself. This disaster was completely the boys’ fault

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      She’s gonna have way more notice for next time hahaha And it’ll be a little bit before the next grandkid is born. Then he’s gonna come again after haha. Josh is gonna come for brief but frequent visits for a while, to establish that he’s very serious about being in the boys’ lives 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jes2G says:

        Sheesh! Colette isn’t due yet?? I feel like she’s been pregnant forever lol. That’s nice of Josh though. I like this.

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Hahaha my timeline is tricky. The kids found the baseball card in June when Colette was a little less than 3 months pregnant. It took about 3 more months for Josh to come visit. So she was about 6 months along when he came. He’s coming back when she’s like 8-ish months (basically about to pop lmao). And the baby will be born in December 🙂

          Liked by 1 person

  10. kaffepigen says:

    Uh oh she’s begun crossing out sentences again O.O

    It’s so good hearing from Mari again. Despite all the heart ache she’s given me, i still love her. I hope she follows through. It IS about the boys, not her and Jonas. I’m thrilled that they got to meet Josh and in the end it kinda ended good. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  11. silentwolfy101 says:

    *Is torn* Mari… I’m glad that you’re seeing what’s going on here, but… It’s not just your fault. *sigh*

    Liked by 1 person

  12. sonniejj says:

    Mari’s diary entries are always so heartbreaking. You can tell she’s trying to block out those negative thoughts but they keep popping up.. Really sad. It sucks to feel bad about something, but it’s even worse when you know you shouldn’t feel that way but you can’t help it.

    Sometimes I love Mari and wanna hug her and sometimes I just wanna shake her and tell her to stop being selfish.. But that’s the beauty of her character. We can’t all be perfect Jonases right :p

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Mari is a very tragic character, you’re right! This was a super insightful comment. Thank you for sharing it! I have similar feelings toward Mari haha. She’s actually my favorite character to write. So complex. and so sad. 😦 Thank you for reading, as always!

      Like

  13. Wow. Go Mari! I love her change of heart more than I would’ve liked empty words. Now she just has to follow through with actions.

    I wish she could come to accept her past and not feel so awful because of it. Sure, she made some awful decision from one of the darkest places one can. But what came out of it was so great. Her sons! And after that her husband and Clara. She wouldn’t have the life she has now if not for all those awful moments. I hope she finds peace with it. There will be endless benefits for everyone, when she does.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      This is a very insightful comment! So much good came from the bad in her past. I hope that one day, she can learn to embrace that 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  14. theplumbob says:

    That was actually a refreshingly rational side of Mari! I enjoyed seeing her finaly try to get some perspective, obviously Jonas was perfect as always 🙂

    Loved how your use of the mirror in these screenshots, it did really add another dimension and was very pretty to look at!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you! With Josh gone, she can think much more rationally… Plus Jonas talked to her and, well, we know he’s the only one she’ll listen to XD Love him!

      And thank you! I was very fond of those two shots that used the mirror. I’m glad you were too! ^_^

      Like

  15. CitizenErased14 says:

    This is a really thoughtful and insightful analysis! Love it 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Oh Mari, you’re working on it. You can do this.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. shiba306 says:

    I have such a love-hate relationship with Mari. You don’t understand XD

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahaha I get it! She’s a frustrating and complicated character. She tries so hard. SO hard. But she still has a ways to go before she’s truly overcome all her demons…

      Liked by 1 person

  18. theceltygirly says:

    I’m sitting patiently to see how this continues to unfold.

    Liked by 1 person

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