This whole thing is just so fucking…
Okay. I can do this.
I promised Jonas I’d at least try.
He keeps telling me I should try writing again. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write a word in this thing since this whole mess started. It’s just… too hard. How the Hell do I even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now?!
He’s such a damn optimist. “Give it a try.” He said. “Writing always makes you feel better.”
But not this time. I don’t think anything can.
I mean, it was bad enough finding out the boys had contacted this Josh guy without telling me. What the FUCK! How the Hell could they just go behind my back like that?! I’m their MOTHER for Christ’s sake!
But I’m starting to think maybe they’ve forgotten that. Now it’s nothing but “Josh, Josh, Josh” all the fucking time.
I get it. I really do. They want to know who the poor bastard is who knocked up their slut mother all those years ago. I guess anyone would be curious about that, right? I’ve been trying SO hard to be sympathetic. I have. I swear to God, I have.
But now they’ve gone too fucking far.
They waited until TWO DAYS before to tell me that they invited this STRANGER to come visit?!
Emails I can deal with. Phone calls, sure. But letting this guy into our HOME?! Letting him meet my boys?!
What the fuck do they think they’re doing?! They don’t know SHIT about this guy. They just keep going on and on about him like he’s so fucking great. God’s fucking gift to mankind or something. I’d expect this kind of shit from Stefan. But Tobi too?!
They already HAVE a father, don’t they get it?! But I guess he’s not good enough.
And I guess I’m not good enough either. They don’t give a shit about me, or what I think of this whole fucking mess.
And can I really blame them? I was such a fuckup back when I got knocked up… and I’m still a fuckup now. I should be happy for them. I WANT to be happy. But I can’t be. No matter how hard I try, I can’t. And now they’re rubbing it in my face. Parading this fucking “perfect father” in front of me. Reminding me of all my mistakes. Making me feel like shit. I don’t care what the fuck they do, I’m not letting this loser waltz in and steal my boys away from me. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He
And on that lovely note, Happy Mothers Day! 😛 Hopefully Mari can learn that her sons will always love her no matter what — Josh or no Josh. Thanks for reading!