3.34: He Can’t

04-27-16_8-51-31 PM


This whole thing is just so fucking…


04-27-16_8-52-37 PM 04-27-16_8-53-06 PM 04-27-16_8-53-33 PM 04-27-16_8-50-21 PM

Okay. I can do this.

I think.

I promised Jonas I’d at least try.

He keeps telling me I should try writing again. I haven’t been able to bring myself to write a word in this thing since this whole mess started. It’s just… too hard. How the Hell do I even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now?!

He’s such a damn optimist. “Give it a try.” He said. “Writing always makes you feel better.”

04-27-16_8-47-48 PM

But not this time. I don’t think anything can.

I mean, it was bad enough finding out the boys had contacted this Josh guy without telling me. What the FUCK! How the Hell could they just go behind my back like that?! I’m their MOTHER for Christ’s sake!

But I’m starting to think maybe they’ve forgotten that. Now it’s nothing but “Josh, Josh, Josh” all the fucking time.

I get it. I really do. They want to know who the poor bastard is who knocked up their slut mother all those years ago. I guess anyone would be curious about that, right? I’ve been trying SO hard to be sympathetic. I have. I swear to God, I have.

04-23-16_10-43-53 PM

But now they’ve gone too fucking far.

They waited until TWO DAYS before to tell me that they invited this STRANGER to come visit?!

Emails I can deal with. Phone calls, sure. But letting this guy into our HOME?! Letting him meet my boys?!

04-27-16_8-54-28 PM

What the fuck do they think they’re doing?! They don’t know SHIT about this guy. They just keep going on and on about him like he’s so fucking great. God’s fucking gift to mankind or something. I’d expect this kind of shit from Stefan. But Tobi too?!

04-27-16_8-41-28 PM

They already HAVE a father, don’t they get it?! But I guess he’s not good enough.

And I guess I’m not good enough either. They don’t give a shit about me, or what I think of this whole fucking mess.

04-27-16_8-56-13 PM

And can I really blame them? I was such a fuckup back when I got knocked up… and I’m still a fuckup now. I should be happy for them. I WANT to be happy. But I can’t be. No matter how hard I try, I can’t. And now they’re rubbing it in my face. Parading this fucking “perfect father” in front of me. Reminding me of all my mistakes. Making me feel like shit. I don’t care what the fuck they do, I’m not letting this loser waltz in and steal my boys away from me. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He 

04-27-16_8-55-50 PM 04-27-16_8-57-26 PM 04-27-16_8-58-51 PM 04-27-16_9-00-00 PM 04-27-16_9-02-15 PM 04-27-16_9-03-47 PM 04-27-16_9-06-15 PM


And on that lovely note, Happy Mothers Day! 😛 Hopefully Mari can learn that her sons will always love her no matter what — Josh or no Josh. Thanks for reading!


55 thoughts on “3.34: He Can’t

  1. Aww i’m starting to feel so sorry for Mari. This is obviously tough on her. But she must know that she can never be replaced. ❤ the boys love their Mama and Papa so much and that doesn't change just because josh is coming. But it was very wrong of them to spring this on them only 2 days before his arrival. Tak tsk boys…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hope she’s able to get past this soon. She is being brought back to a pretty dark place right now 😦 Thank you for reading!


      1. I think it will take time but I could see a lot of its just fear of being replaced and embarrassment. She does say she wants to see her boys happy and attempts to understand though so that’s why I’m optimistic that she’ll come around with a little time.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh no, poor Mari! Please don’t go back to your old, depressing, self-destructive way of thinking. I hope Jonas can cheer her up. And I hope she’ll be nice to Josh… Gosh, the drama never ends! But I’m still keeping hope that things will get better soon #teamoptimism

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I think I just discovered the tag line for this legacy! “the drama never ends!” Lmao! It’s very sad but true haha

      Anyway, as for Mari, she is in a really dark place right now. This Josh thing is bringing back a lot, and really making her feel “threatened”, almost. The twins are what saved her from that dark place all those years ago and now it feels like Josh is coming to take them away from her.

      Obviously we all know that’s not what he’s trying to do. But try telling Mari that… 😛

      Yay for #teamoptimism ! Hopefully there is a light at the end of the tunnel!


    1. Time and space would definitely help her! Unfortunately she doesn’t have much of either right now, so this could take a while hahaha

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Throwing in my two cents here: I have two friends who suffer from real mental illness and although I don’t, I know that some pills aren’t going to cut it… mental illness is real and it’s serious and it can’t be trivialized like this :/ I think it’s pretty clear that Mari realizes that it would be fair to her sons to allow josh to visit and that she wants to be happy for them, but she can’t because she is mentally ill and can’t get rid of the bad feelings…

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not insulting your real life friends here. Because, seriously, you make it sound like I did. As for the pills and doctor, Mari herself made comments about him in past chapters in a sarcastic way and I meant it the same way. Still, we are talking about a fictional character. After reading your comments I feel like a terrible and insensitive person. Maybe I am, maybe my comments just happen to sound harsher and different than in my head. That’s why I’m pulling out of any future comments on this story for everyone’s sake. Sorry for any hurt feelings.


        1. Oh I’m sorry 😦 it didn’t want to make it Sound like you Insulted my real life friends… It did sounds a little harsh. No hurt feelings just Wanted to throw in my thoughts 🙂 I guess it’s a testimony to citizenErased’s writing that we care so much about these characters XD


    2. I think that’s a little unfair. She can’t help how she feels. And telling her to just get some pills is actually kind of insensitive to people who really deal with mental problems.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I couldn’t agree mire. I have a mental illness and my pills helps me a great deal but not all the way. I often have days where i can’t do much of anything because i feel so low and have a lot of horrible thoughts… It wesrs me down a lot.

        Liked by 1 person

    3. Mari is definitely having a hard time letting go of her own feelings about this situation and focusing more on her sons. She knows she’s being unfair, but knowing she’s wrong is only half the battle haha so she definitely has a long way to go!


  3. No, Mari! Please, not your insecurities again! You should know by now what an amazing and powerful and awesome mother you are! Everyone loves you very much. Your mistakes – they are in the past! Remember that! And like I said all those comments ago… YOU are not a slut. Your BEHAVIOR is just slut-like! Come on, the twins are just excited! 🙂

    And when you meet Josh you will realise that he is not trying to steal your boys… Josh is too lovely! And if it’s any consolation, this will be reminding Josh about the mistakes he made too. I mean – it just as much his fault as yours that you birthed Tobi and Stefan – but he is being optimistic! You should, instead of being annoyed at him, remember, that becasue of him and your slut-like BEHAVIOR that you got the best gift you could have possibly had – your wonderful and really hot boys!

    Oh, gosh, I’m fan-girling…

    Swiftly moving on…


    Liked by 2 people

    1. That was such a wonderful comment, then I died laughing at the end XD

      I love what you said about Josh giving her her greatest gift 🙂 I think she needs to try to see that for herself (but this is Mari, so… either she’ll never see it, or she’ll see it when it’s too late, because she never gets over things easily XD hahaha)

      Thank you so much 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I see her pov better now. She is feeling threatened and it obviously drags up a bunch of old memories and bad feelings about how she behaved that she took so long to overcome. I think it could get worse for her before it ever gets better. But it could make the boys understand her a bit better. Maybe. I can see 100 different ways you can make this play out! From everyone singing Kumbaya to a broken family and all points in between. :). Happy Mothers Day!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hahahaha I love the Kumbaya option 😉 😛 I’m glad this helped you understand her a little better. You hit it right on the head — a combination of unpleasant old memories and feeling threatened. 😦 She’s being so irrational. But… That’s our Mari haha


  5. Mari is trying hard and that is a good thing! I get her insecurities. It’s tough being a parent. She feels bad about her past and her boys finding their real dad just reminds her of her ‘fuck ups’ so to speak, but good things can come out of bad things, and her twin boys are testimony of that. She needs to deal with her past still. Easy said than done though.
    Great chapter as always!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks! Yeah, Mari has a lot of insecurities to deal with right now… We will see how she handles it (Or maybe doesn’t handle it… We’ll see!)


  6. Oh Mari… Just because the boys are excited about meeting their biological father doesn’t mean they forgot about her. This is just new and exciting, but it doesn’t change how much they love their Mama.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Poor Mari. I sympathize with her…I get the boys are excited, but they are too excited. They don’t see that they really don’t NEED a FATHER, they just want to know who they come from. They never knew how much their mother has struggled with her past, or how perilous the edge of depression, anger, and self-hatred is for her right now. They are acting like children when they are adults. There are better ways to go about this than just inviting a stranger that they truly know nothing about to their mother’s house, that they live in. It’s not their house. They don’t pay rent either. They could’ve met at a coffee shop, or somewhere else, not in their home. Poor Mari. I am disappointed in Tobi and Stefan so much right now…being an adult means you think about ALL the sides, not just your own.


    1. I will clarify one thing! Josh will be staying in a hotel, but yes; the twins intend to invite him into the house and introduce him to the family and stuff. They definitely should have asked Mari first!!! That just makes it all even harder for her 😦 But I do think they have every right to be excited about meeting Josh and having him be a part of their lives 🙂 But I understand when you’re coming from for sure!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I wasn’t saying they have no right, but they could have met with him elsewhere, broaching their mother into it. Josh is probably a great guy, but he does have his own life in WC. They aren’t kids anymore, so it’s not like he can teach them their abcs or to walk or talk about their first crush or first time. It’ll be interesting to see what kind of relationship they have!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Aw! Thank you so much blamsart!!! And thank you for reading too 🙂 I always see you liking my chapters and I appreciate it so much ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Oh Mari 😦 I hope she comes to terms with it. I mean, Josh didn’t do anything wrong to her? I guess it’s just a memory of a bad time in her life, but still 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I think with Mari it’s very complicated right now. She kinda sees it like this: This guy knocked her up and left (obviously without knowing what he was doing though!) and she had to raise these two kids all by herself. Now he waltzes back into her life and expects to be part of their lives when he’s done nothing to ‘earn’ it. She sees it almost like he’s trying to steal them away from her after everything she’s done for these boys. They’re what saved her from that dark place she was in years ago, and she is terrified of anything threatening her relationship with them.

      Of course, I’m not saying any of this is rational (of course it isn’t hahaha), but that’s her current take on the situation, unfortunately :-/


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