I’m not even sure why I’m writing right now…
To talk myself into sucking it up and doing this?
To waste time and prolong the inevitable?
To leave evidence so the police will know who murdered me?
(I’m only half-joking about that last one).
Colette and Papa came to me last night. And they convinced me that I really have to do it…
I have to talk to Stefan. I have to tell him the truth. And they’re absolutely right, of course. But God, I wish they weren’t.
Y’know, I still can’t believe Lettie told Papa everything – about the baseball card and Josh and the letter… But I think she figured he’s probably the only one who’d be able to convince me. And you know what? I think she’s right.
He’s always been there for me, ever since I was a little kid. Whenever something’s wrong, he’ll talk me through it. And he never judges me, no matter what. He just listens… Even if he doesn’t exactly like what he’s hearing.
And believe it or not, it actually felt really good to tell him how I was feeling – how TERRIFIED I am about being let-down. Disappointed.
And maybe even about the opposite, too.
And Papa understood, just like he always does.
But he also understood how fucking horrible I am for lying to Stefan like this. And he was sure to remind me of it. Not in those exact words, of course…
So we made a deal. If I tell Stefan the truth, he doesn’t say a word about this to Mama. Not yet, anyway.
He made me promise to tell her too, of course. But he’s giving me some time to figure out things with Stefan first.
And honestly? I’m not sure which conversation I’m more afraid of.