Well, I won’t be surprised if I’m out of a job by this time next year.
I’m pretty sure coach is gonna bench me for the rest of the season if I keep playing like this. Probably even try to let me go at the end of the year if I don’t get my shit together.
It’s just… I can’t focus lately. At all. I’m so damn distracted all the time… On and off the field.
Things are just crazy right now. The baby’s due in three months, Jocelyne’s getting picked on at school, Clara’s been giving Mama and Papa so much attitude lately…
And Stefan won’t leave me alone about our letter to Josh.
I’m afraid he might be onto me.
Every time I open that dresser drawer, it’s like I can feel it there – judging me, or something. Reminding me I’m the worst Bruder in the world.
I even take it out sometimes… That little paper envelope that’s causing me and Stefan so much grief. I feel sick looking at it – That name and address, written so carefully in Stefan’s familiar hand:
Mr. Joshua Yuen
44 Mason Lane
And Joshua will never see it. Because I’m too much of a damn coward.
It was such a last-minute decision. I saw the postman’s truck at the top of our street… And I panicked.
I don’t even think I can explain what I’m so afraid of.
Finding out that this guy is a piece of shit who doesn’t care about us?
Or that he isn’t?
I’m not sure which is worse.
No matter what kind of response we would have gotten, it would have changed, well… EVERYTHING. And I’m just so damn scared of messing everything up.
I don’t think my Bruder realizes it, but I’ve always wondered about my biological Vater. Ever since I was a kid, I’ve wanted to meet him. I’ve never been as… enthusiastic as Stefan, of course. But the thought’s always been there in the back of my mind.
But… Is getting an answer really worth the risk?
I still don’t know…
God, I can’t believe I really did this.
I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up before I crack or something. Stefan keeps making me feel so damn guilty with all of his questions.
And then, last night… Colette found the letter.
And she FLIPPED.
I practically had to beg to get her to promise she won’t tell Stefan. If you can even call it a promise…
“I’ll keep quiet… For now.” She told me. “But this isn’t right, Tobi. And you know it.”
She’s so damn cute when she’s angry. But I know I she was serious. And I feel like shit. I really do. I just –