3.26: Impossible

I finally did it.

I talked to Mama last night… About my Papa…

And… I don’t even know what to think anymore.

Shit.

I just couldn’t put it off any longer, y’know? I mean, with Tobi and Colette getting married, and having the twins…

Not to mention seeing Mama and Jonas with Clara…

I couldn’t stop thinking about my Papa. And I needed to know the truth, once and for all.

You should have seen the look on her face when I told her we needed to talk… At first, I didn’t really get it.

Then I remembered what happened the last time one of us told Mama we wanted to talk to her. And I’m pretty sure I almost laughed out loud. As if I’d ever be as dumb as Tobi was. Katrina and I are very careful. And I made sure to tell Mama that before she had a stroke.

But… then things got pretty serious.

I asked her for the truth. The whole truth. None of that sugar-coated crap she used to tell us when we were kids. I just needed an answer – Who’s my Papa?

And then, she told me.

I think that somewhere, deep down, I always knew the answer. Maybe that’s what kept me from COMPLETELY losing it. But still. Finally hearing her say it… It was worse than I ever could have possibly imagined.

“I don’t know.”

It felt like she’d slapped me across the face or something. I almost wanted to scream. Hell, maybe even cry.

But I remembered how much trouble I’ve gotten into before with my damn temper. And… I kept it together pretty well, all things considered.

But it was so fucking hard. And I still said a few things I’m not exactly proud of.

Mama didn’t go into many details… and I guess she didn’t have to. I mean, if she doesn’t even know who he is, then… Then that would mean she… She was a…

Oh God, I don’t even wanna think about it.

And that’s not even the worst part.

I mean, think about it. If she doesn’t even know who our Papa is… Then how the Hell are Tobi and I ever gonna find him? How can we possibly know where to look?

It’s like everything I’d always dreamed of since I was a little kid all came crashing down or something… Shattered, y’know? Destroyed.

And there’s no way I can ever pick up the pieces.

I was so mad. SO fucking mad.

But then Mama started crying. She asked me if I hated her. If I could ever forgive her.

What kind of asshole would I be if I told her what I was really thinking? If I told her how angry I was? How much she’d crushed me?

I couldn’t.

But after, when I was up in my room… Oh God, I really hope no one ever reads this.

Last night, for the first time I can remember. I cried. Like, actual fucking sobs into my pillow until I fell asleep. It was humiliating. And I felt like such a damn baby…

A baby who will never know his real Papa, I guess.

I’ll never find him. Not now.

It’s impossible.