3.14: Coward

I think I’m officially the worst mother in the world.

And I’m sure Tobias thinks so too.

We had a pretty nasty fight today… Probably one of the worst we’ve had. Hell, maybe even worse than I’ve had with Stefan (and trust me, that’s saying something).

It was about that girlfriend of his. It always is.

Even though it’s still a few months away, he’s already begging to spend Christmas with her this year. Says he’s already started saving his money, and promises to pay for the whole trip himself.

As if that would change my mind.

We’ve been through this before. He had to know what my answer would be.

I guess I just wasn’t ready for his reaction.

He said some pretty horrible things. Called me names I never dreamed he’d call me. And my God, did it hurt. Like Hell.

And the worst part is that I probably deserve every word of it. If only he knew.

But I lashed back, of course. Me and my goddamn temper.

Jonas always has my back on this sort of thing. But even he was pissed at me when he heard what happened.

He told me I’m taking it too far. He says I need to tell Tobi the truth.

And that I have to stop putting my own feelings before my son’s happiness.

And he’s absolutely right. I’m being selfish… I’m a coward. I’m too goddamn afraid to just suck it up and face this thing.

But it’s so fucking hard.

I’ll never forget that first summer, when Tobi came home and told us all about his adventures at camp. He wouldn’t stop talking about his new friend, Colette. And at the time, I thought it was pretty damn cute.

“Colette What?” I’d asked him.

“Colette Katz.”

The sound of that name just about made my heart stop beating. Katz. I’d only ever heard a name like that once before…

But it had to be a coincidence, didn’t it?

Then he told me more.

Like how her mother lived in France…

“Who is she?!”

“H-her name’s Amelie… She’s an exchange student, from Champs Les Sims…”

Or how her father’s half-Spanish…

“Did you seriously just tell me my FUR is pretty? You’re such a weirdo, Diego.”

“No! I keep telling you, ‘pelo’ means hair!”

“Not in Portuguese…”

And that he had grown up in Windenburg…

Jesus Christ.

Just when things finally start looking up, the universe has to step in and fuck it all up again.

Until now, I’ve had time on my side. Tobi really was too young to be travelling on his own before this – Diego or no Diego. But I’m running out of excuses. And Tobi’s running out of patience. Fast.

I know I’m being so unfair. I’m sure Colette’s a very sweet girl – she certainly sounds like it from the way Tobi goes on and on about her. But…

I don’t think I can do it. I don’t think I’d ever be able to stand even looking at her. I’m not strong enough. I know I’m not.

And I definitely don’t want my son anywhere near that Scheißkerl Diego… or that bitch he knocked up, either.

It’s been 17 years. I need to put it behind me. I know I do. I know I should. But I can’t stop feeling so angry. Even now that I have my boys. Even now that I have Jonas. Even now that we’re finally moving forward in our life together. I just can’t.

How can I ever stop hating the person who ruined my entire fucking life? Who betrayed me worse than anyone ever has? Who made me hate myself? Who started me down a path I never thought I’d escape from?

I know I can’t forgive. But I thought I could at least forget.

But I can’t.

I dunno… Maybe I need to start talking to Dr. Durand again. For a while, at least.

Maybe he can help me through this whole thing. Maybe he can help get me to a place where I can deal with this…

But right now… I just can’t.

And my poor Tobi is suffering because his mother is too much of a fucking coward to change…