3.6: Complicated

I should really be asleep right now.

1

Tomorrow’s gonna be fucking nuts.

Tobias’ football game is at nine, then I’ve gotta drop Stefan off at a birthday party at one (oh shit… still gotta get him a gift to bring too…), and finish shopping for Lina’s baby shower by four (did I mention it’s on SUNDAY?!) so I can make it to the theater in time for rehearsal…

Shit. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

But no matter how hard I try, I can’t sleep.

I just keep thinking about what happened tonight at dinner.

2

It started out as nothing special – just the usual idle chit-chat about how our days went. Jonas cracked a few jokes, Mãe complained about a big contract that had fallen through…

Then Tobias asked Jonas to pass him the potatoes.

But he didn’t call him Jonas.

He called him Papa.

3

People always talk about those silences that are so absolute, you can hear a pin drop. Well, I think this is one of the only times in my life I’ve ever experienced it for myself. I don’t think any of us knew what to say… So we ended up just kinda staring, y’know?

And my poor baby… He thought he’d done something wrong! He started apologizing… He said it just slipped out, and promised he’d never do it again.

Jonas was quick to make sure he knew it was okay. More than okay, really.

5 6

And would you believe it? He got all choked up, right there in the kitchen. Well damn.

It was the first time I’ve seen my husband cry, ever. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy. Not even at our wedding.

7

He’s told me time and time again just how much he loves my boys. And it’s not like I ever DOUBTED him or anything, but… seeing him like that definitely helped seal the deal. And, to be honest, I felt so happy I almost shed a few tears myself.

But then I saw Stefan’s face.

8

And it broke my heart.

9

Stefan’s relationship with Jonas has always been… complicated, to say the least. The boys were too young to remember the first few times I tried dating again after they were born… And thankfully none of those scumbags ever met either one of my babies. Jonas was the first. And he ended up being the last, too.

And at first, both of my boys really seemed to love him. In fact, I still remember the two of them practically jumping up and down, begging for me to invite Jonas over to “play”… Pretty damn adorable, right?

10

But everything changed after the engagement.

I was open and honest with them, right from the start. I sat each of them down on their own, and made sure they were okay with it. Tobias was thrilled, of course. No big surprise there.

11

But Stefan was quiet for a long time. He’s always been kind of a funny kid, I guess… Definitely a Hell of a lot more thoughtful than most kids his age.

Anyway, he finally turned to me, and I still remember exactly what he said: “If that’s really want you want, then I guess it’s okay. But he’ll never be my Papa. You know that, right Mama?”

12

“Don’t worry.” I’d assured him. “No one says he has to be, okay?”

And I thought that would be the end of it.

That was over a year ago. But ever since, things seem to be getting worse and worse.

It’s mostly little things. Stefan cringes whenever Jonas tries to hug or touch him. He ignores him when he says “I love you.” He rolls his eyes at his jokes. He snaps at him over the stupidest shit. And he’s always saying it, day after day: “You’re not my Papa.”

13c13d 13e 13f

Jonas puts on such a brave face through it all… But I know how much it hurts him.

And I can’t help but feel like this is all my fault.

I know, I know. I’m always blaming myself for shit. But this time… I really think it is.

I’ve been lying to my boys. Ever since the day they were born. And I know how horrible that sounds. But what the Hell am I supposed to tell them when they ask about their dad?! I mean, Christ, they still think you can get pregnant just from kissing someone.

They were probably around 4 or 5 when they first started asking. And at the time, the best thing I could come up with was that their father went away a long time ago, before they were born. So I just sorta rolled with it.

03-05-16_6-47-19 PM

Tobias doesn’t ask nearly as often as he used to. But Stefan does all the time. And my answers just keep getting weaker and weaker.

“What was his name?”

“I don’t remember.”

03-05-16_7-14-39 PM

“Where did he go?”

“I don’t know.”

03-05-16_7-12-46 PM

“When will he come back?”

“Maybe never.”

03-05-16_7-16-12 PM

What the Hell else can I say?!

I know I’ll have to tell them the truth one day. I’ve always known that. And let me tell you, I am fucking DREADING that day when it finally comes. How do I even begin to tell my kids about all the shit I’ve done? I don’t even want to think about it. But I know I can’t keep up this charade forever. My boys are too smart. Too clever.

I just… I wish I had a real answer for them.

15

I think about it all the time. Every time I look at their sweet little faces, I wonder.

Which one was it? All those guys, all those years ago… I’ve got it narrowed down to probably seven or so. All the ones I was with when things started going south with Humberto. But do you think I can remember any of their names? Hell, their faces are already a blur to me.

I couldn’t even find the guy if I tried.

At first, I used to think it was Humberto. And for a while, I wanted nothing more than for them to be his.

The boys were almost two when I finally swallowed my pride and gave Humberto that phone call. I’d been avoiding him for so long… and I had so much to apologize for. So much to thank him for too. Hell, I wouldn’t be standing here today if it wasn’t for him. I know I wouldn’t.

16

The least I could give him in return was a chance to find out if the boys were his.

But they weren’t.

17

I never realized it was possible to feel so relieved and so disappointed at the same time.

But either way, I still didn’t have my answer. And that sucked.

I guess the one good thing that came of it was having Humberto back in my life again. But as nothing more than a friend… One of the best friends I think I’ve ever had. He’d already found someone else by then anyway – someone he loves so much. And I was so happy for him, even though it hurt like Hell. He deserved it. If anyone deserves to be happy, it’s him.

18

And as for me… Well, I decided a long time ago that my boys are all the happiness I need.

20

Or at least, they were before Jonas came along.

And now, with the three of them, I finally have everything I could ever want. Ever need.

21 2203-05-16_5-36-54 PM 03-05-16_5-57-25 PM

But for Stefan, and maybe even Tobias too, I think there’ll always be something missing.

And all I can do is sit by and watch as my babies hold on to the hope of a father who’s never coming home.

23

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47 Responses to 3.6: Complicated

  1. Senna says:

    My reactions to this chapter!

    “Awwwww!” 🙂 then “Awwwww…” 😦

    Liked by 3 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah, sorry the sweet moment went downhill so fast XD So much tension in the Rosebrook household 😦 A tough situation for all! Thanks for reading ❤

      Like

  2. EddieSims says:

    I actually feel bad for Mari now. It’s sad when the bad decisions you made in the past come back to haunt you. I’m guessing the father of her boys is blond because of Tobias’ hair colour so maybe you can start from there Mari? How many of the potential seven are blond?

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I feel bad for her too! She really is a new person now who’s moved on from her past… but, much as she absolutely loves her boys, they’re always going to be a reminder of that part of her life, you know? Such a difficult situation…

      And as for the father’s hair color… Well, blonde hair can be a recessive gene, so I suppose it’s not 100% guaranteed he’d be blonde, but it would be a good clue to start with! I think the problem is that Mari doesn’t even know where to find these guys anymore. There’s not even a guarantee they were even local.

      How can they ever find the father? Will they? *dramatic music plays* 😛

      Hehehe thank you so much for reading, as always! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Jes2G says:

    “I’ve got it narrowed down to seven.” Well DANG! Not even gonna ask how many there were to choose from LOL. All jokes aside, I feel for her. This is always the sucky part when you’ve done crap, you get over crap, you move on from crap, but then the crap catches up to you. You can never escape the crap because it will always find you in some way, shape, or form. I guess the only real way you can claim victory or say that it is truly behind you is how you handle when the crap returns. HA! When the Crap Returns…sounds like a really horrible B movie LOL.

    Liked by 6 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      LOL Okay, the end of your comment made me giggle out loud XD

      And yeah, like I said to EddieSims, I really do feel bad for Mari. She’s truly changed and transformed herself into a much better person… but because of the twins, she can never fully escape her past mistakes. :-/ It’s very sad.

      And as for how many too choose from… Hahaha yeahhhh probably quite a few. Not to be creepy or TMI-ish, but if you think about it, Mari was sleeping with random guys nearly every night for about a year. So she’s definitely slept with more than 100 guys. (And trust me, she’s beyond ashamed of it now… but like you said, the crap returns! XD)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Jes2G says:

        So I guess I’m supposed to be proud she was able to narrow it down to seven? LOL, nah, that is quite a feat. I’m surprised she was able to do it at all seeing as how she was probably drunk most of the times.

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Yeah, I imagine that, when she went to the doctor to find out how far along she was, they were probably able to narrow-down the date of conception. And at the time, it would have been recent enough for her to be able to dig in her memory and “find” the faces of the potential fathers in her mind.

          And I imagine those faces have been haunting her for the past 10 years… :-/

          Liked by 1 person

  4. audreyfld says:

    Full of surprises you are! I hope once the day comes for her to come clean with them that Stefan won’t be so disillusioned with Mari that he turns to Jonas and shuts her out or shuts them all out much as she did. . .Complicated for sure. So many twists and turns.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      I hope she comes clean too! It’s hard to say how Stefan would react, I think… :-/ I think either way, it would be somewhat traumatic to learn that your mom was as promiscuous as Mari was. 😦 She can’t escape her past mistakes, unfortunately. Not as long as the identity of the father is a mystery 😮

      Thank you for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I think she should just tell them the truth immediately. That way, Stefan would be able to just move on a forget about this mythic father figure he made up in his head. He doesn’t like Jonas because he’s afraid Jonas would replace his father’s place – but if he understood that his father is not there to be replaced, he would tolerate Jonas much better.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Well, we don’t know for SURE how he’d react… But I see what you’re saying about how there is the potential for it to actually help! He definitely holds his “real” father on a pedestal right now…

      I think the issue is really how old they are. Mari plans on revealing the truth one day (or, at the very least, knows they will figure it out for themselves when they’re older too), but right now she feels they are too young to understand, you know?

      Thank you for reading, Maruska! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • You’re welcome, haha 😀
        I don’t know, how old they are? Ten? That’s not so young. She could just tell them she … you know, kissed a lot of guys when she was young.
        Or she could just tell them he’s dead (Lol, I’m just kidding. But who knows – as far as we knoe maybe he is!)

        I definitely understand why she’s worried about their reactions, though. But then again, they are too young now to think of her badly. I bet they don’t understand the whole social concept of being a ‘promiscuous lady’ at this age, you know?

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          They are ten, yes! And haha how awful would it be if she said he was dead? XD (Though you’re right — he could be! They don’t know!)

          Mari is definitely afraid of telling them the truth… And maybe sooner rather than later would be better, but… She’s probably going to put it off for as long as she possibly can haha (though you’re right, they wouldn’t quite understand promiscuity at this age. So maybe she’s thinking about it all wrong!)

          Liked by 1 person

    • theplumbob says:

      You need to remember she still has Ainsworth blood in her… and those Ainsworths were notorious for putting off telling the truth hehe.

      Liked by 2 people

  6. silentwolfy101 says:

    Aw, mar-mar… *hugs* I know you’re dreading this, but you have to tell them.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Simslover163 says:

    Lots of surprises. Mari must spill the truth one day. She can’t keep hiding secrets because eventually, someone will know her secrets before she has a chance to reveal them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Very true — it’d be worse for them to find out on their own, I think. Hopefully she will reveal the truth before that happens!!! Thanks for reading!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. maladi777 says:

    Maybe if Stefan met his real father he would be disappointed and his relationship with Jonas would improve. At this moment he idealizes his real father and there’s no way Jonas could rival the perfect image.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      That’s a good point — he’s really holding his real father on a pedestal right now! I think you’re right, meeting a disappointing birth father would probably change his perception of Jonas… But what if he had a NICE bio-dad? Or what if he doesn’t find him at all? 😮 *dramatic music* haha

      Like

      • maladi777 says:

        I sincerely hope he’ll find him. I am curious to learn who he is. And I bet other readers are too. And if the bio-dad is nice, well, good for Stefan. I can see no reason why Jonas being his kind self wouldn’t be happy for him too.

        Liked by 1 person

        • CitizenErased14 says:

          Jonas would likely be happy for him. The question is if it would change how Stefan sees Jonas at all… But we will see what happens!

          Like

  9. z3nc0 says:

    The British people among you will get this but I personally think Mari should just go on the Jeremy Kyle show with the 7 men she had it narrowed down to. Not that she knows the names, or look of these people but she’ll find some way, I hope.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. z3nc0 says:

    *detectors

    Like

  11. sonniejj says:

    Poor Mari! I feel bad for Stefan and Jonas, but it must be so hard for Mari, too. To sit by and not be able to do anything while her boys are hurting.
    I hope that, when Stefan becomes a bit older, he’ll be ready to accept and love Jonas as a father figure. Some things just take time.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thanks for your comment! I feel bad for her too, and I also hope things will get better for Stefan and Jonas! 🙂 Thank you for reading! ❤

      Like

  12. Spottydog714 says:

    Hehehe Ashes to Ashes chapters are just what you need when you have a flu-y cold. I think she should just tell the truth – she has no idea – she got pregnant when she was young and stupid (no offense Mari) and the father has no idea they exist and doesn’t care, then maybe Stefan will just except that Jonas is a great dad and is the only Dad he’ll get. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Wait it’s not Humberto…?!?! Poor Mari!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. CitizenErased14 says:

    That’s a great question… we’ll see! Thank you for reading and taking some time out of your day to hang out with my poor abused Rosebrooks 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I wonder if they’ll ever find out… I mean, I don’t know where that blonde hair came from =p

    Liked by 1 person

  16. theceltygirly says:

    This got really cute, and then really sad. I’m assuming they’ll probably never find their father :/ unless by some spontaneity Tobias runs into a man that looks just like him and the man is like, oh yeah you might be my son.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Haha yeah, unfortunately it doesn’t seem very likely at this point 😦 But they have an amazing stepfather in Jonas. Hopefully Stefan will start to see that…

      Like

  17. skcaga6 says:

    Time to take all the blonde men in town on Maury Povich’s show for a paternity test. I have Maury in my library if you want to borrow him. lol

    Liked by 1 person

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