2.40: Choo Choo

Dr. Durand says I should start writing again. Seems to think it might help me.

02-19-16_8-15-26 PM

So I’m giving it a try.

But damn, was it painful to dig this old thing out again. I sat here for a long time flipping through some of those old entries, and…

Fuck. That was hard.

There are so many pages I just want to rip out and throw in a fucking bonfire. But… I don’t think I can. It sounds so damn crazy, but I think it’s important to keep them. So I can remember where I came from…

And make sure I never go back there again.

(I know, I know… I’m getting into all this sentimental shit. Guess spilling my soul to a shrink every week has really been doing a number on me. Ugh.)

02-19-16_8-28-05 PM

Anyway, I guess I’m… getting there. These past several months have been kind of a rollercoaster. Things were the same for a while. Then they got a little better. Then they got worse. And now… Well, it’s back uphill, slowly but surely. It’s just so hard not to get frustrated. Discouraged, you know?

My family sure seems happy though. “You’re doing so well!” “We’re so proud of you!” “Look how far you’ve come!” Yeah, sure. Just call me the little engine that could. Choo friggin’ choo.

Changing your whole life isn’t some walk in the park or anything, that’s for damn sure. Especially all that fucking exercise. It sucks. Dr. Durand thinks I should try hitting the gym instead of the sheets when I need a pick-me-up. Something about endorphins?

02-19-16_8-29-31 PM

I think it’s a load of BS, to be honest. And what’s the point of working your ass off for a banging body if you aren’t supposed to… well, bang anyone? (What’s that stupid old staying? “All dressed up and nowhere to go…?”) Fucking waste if you ask me. But whatever.

There is one thing that’s been helping a lot though. And it’s the stupidest fucking thing in the world.

Every morning, I’m supposed to look in the mirror and list all the things I like about myself.

And you know what?

At first, I couldn’t even think of one.

02-19-16_8-25-58 PM

For weeks I’d stand there like an idiot every morning, just staring at myself. Hating myself. How then Hell was I supposed to say something nice about someone I couldn’t fucking stand?

Anyway, it took a while, but a couple months ago, I finally I settled on: “I look nice in blue.” (I told you, stupid).

But oh my God, it actually helped.

02-19-16_8-26-41 PM

Do you have any idea how good it felt to finally say something – anything positive about myself? Pretty fucking great. And I held on to that for a long time. After a while, I even added another one – “I have pretty eyes.”

And today, I think I came up with a new one…

I love my sons.

02-19-16_8-50-29 PM

This isn’t going to be easy. Not by a friggin’ longshot. I have so much shit to work through, so many mistakes to make up for… Such a long way to go.

But you know what?

For the first time in a long time…

I feel like things are gonna be okay.

Maybe.

02-19-16_8-15-50 PM

———————————–

Author’s Note: Goodbye, Generation 2! That was probably the most emotionally exhausting roller coaster ride I have ever written. Thank you for putting up with poor Mari these past 40 chapters!

We have a huge time jump ahead of us, so I apologize in advance for the abrupt shift coming up! About 99% of Mari’s recovery is happening “off-screen”, but we will still get some insight into what her recovery was like, as well as what issues she still struggles with in Gen 3. And believe me, she works her butt off for many years! 

And now, armed with a more emotionally-stable Mari and a pair of super adorable twins, we journey onward into Generation 3! 🙂 Thank you all for reading! 

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53 Responses to 2.40: Choo Choo

  1. Virtualee says:

    I have to say it is really nice to see Mari is something other than booty shorts and sparkly bra tops!! HA! She is gorgeous, and am already loving the new and much improved Mari. Citizen great job with this generation, yes it was hard, but you did more than just present a raw, controversial, drama filled gen for us to read, it was genuine and honest. As well as it opened a lot of opportunities for self reflection (even though for me I was never that extreme with myself). Job well done.

    Liked by 5 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hahahaha yes, Mari will be fully clothed from here on out! It’s so nice to put her in real clothes! XD I really appreciate your lovely comment, by the way! This was definitely an intense generation and I’m really glad you enjoyed it ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Jes2G says:

    You know…that mirror thing DOES help! I’ve had to do that myself before, and it’s amazing what it can do for you. I agree with Virtualee that it’s nice to see her in clothes lol.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Spottydog714 says:

    Gosh, the feels of this generation. Laughing, crying, being miffed, screaming, dancing for joy. You have really taken me on an emotional rollarcoaster, and have given me an opportunity to bore my family and friends with my various reactions and synopsises of all the updates. I love the new improved Mari, and, I think, as much as I’m am greatful that my tramour is over, I will miss my daily and every other day Mari updates.
    I will say this:
    Mari, you are drop-dead geogous,
    Citizen, I love your writing, I really feel like I’m part of your characters worlds,
    *raises non-alcoholic drink* A toast to the many more awesome updates in Generation 3!
    I can’t wait! 🙂
    (Also, I’m glad Mari is wearing clothes now! Hehehehe 😀 )

    Liked by 1 person

  4. EddieSims says:

    Okay, finally a chapter where I don’t feel like slapping Mari. I’m so relieved that she’s finally getting the help she needs and is doing better because I was about to give up on her. When I read the previous two chapters I thought, ‘Mari is probably not going to learn anything and will run off on her boys and leave Lina to raise them’ so I’m glad that didn’t happen.
    She is a good person but she just needed to grow up, take responsibility for her actions, and get help for her low self esteem issues which she seems to be doing.
    I’m looking forward to seeing how the twins turn out and how their stories will be told. Will they both be writers like their mother and grandfather or will their method be different?

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you! I’m so happy things were able to work out well for Mari! ^_^ The boys will both be traditional journal writers, but I am thinking of switching it up a bit further down the line! ^_^

      Liked by 1 person

  5. theplumbob says:

    Good job Mari, I look forward to meeting the new, saner you 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  6. “What’s the point of working your ass off for a banging body if you aren’t supposed to… well, bang anyone?” So you don’t have heart-attack or diabetes later in life? Ha! Sorry, my med student self is talking without permission 😀

    As for the rest of the update – YAY! Finally, Mari, finally! I thought you were hopeless and I’m glad you’ve proved me wrong! Congrats.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      LOL at the first part of your comment XD Mari is thinking very superficially right now 😛

      And I’m glad you’re so happy! I am too! 😛 I was really hoping I could win a few people over with this and it looks like I kinda-sorta did. So yay! Mari has a long way to go. But she’s taking the first steps! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. silentwolfy101 says:

    Yay, Mari! Progress!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. JoieWilder says:

    This is such a wonderful chapter and the perfect way to end generation 2. It’s so great to see the progress Mari has made. She’s going to be a great mom.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Simslover163 says:

    After going through lots of obstacles and sticking with Mari for the entire duration, I have to say Mari is a beauty and I’m glad she’s emotionally stable! Looking forward to Generation 3! 🙂

    Citizen, you are an amazing writer and I loved your writing ever since D2D! Keep up the great work! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you so much! I’m SO excited that you binge-read tonight! Your comments and likes made me so happy ^_^ You’re awesome! (And I have not forgotten about reading the latest part of your d2d spectacular, btw! I’ve just been very busy these past couple of days)

      Liked by 1 person

      • Simslover163 says:

        No worries!! I’m a patient guy and I look forward to your view on the latest part spectacular! Only 3 more parts to go (Krysti, Ev, and an after party!) 🙂

        That binge-reading was so worth it! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  10. I never want to go through that again. And yet, 8 more generations to go. *says a f bomb* I’m going to eat now. Byyyyee for like ten minutes!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. CitizenErased14 says:

    Haha oh no! Please don’t cry again! Hahaha I am so proud of how far Mari has come. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  12. YES MARI YES ❤ Therapy sucks, but it really does help. Eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. theceltygirly says:

    “Yeah, sure. Just call me the little engine that could. Choo friggin’ choo.”
    I love that!
    Oh my goodness the stupid positive affirmations. I had to do those, they sometimes can help, but it sounds so ridiculous!!! When she was joking about how dumb it is I snickered, because they really do seem silly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Yeah I was inspired by a friend who used to have to do them 🙂 She said it felt weird and dumb sometimes, but was helpful overall. 🙂

      Like

  14. ny275 says:

    I really enjoyed this generation. I really do like Mariana and am sorry that self-sabotage was able to get such a grip on her life. Fortunately, though, it seems like she’s getting better!

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Okay, I cannot tell you how happy your comment made me! 😀 The whole time I was wondering what you might be thinking… The vast majority of readers really hated Mari after this generation (in fact, a few still openly despise her, even though she’s an old woman now!)

      Personally, Mari is my favorite character. I really adore her and love writing her (despite how much I tortured her LOL). It makes me happy to know that you like her too! She’s definitely doing a lot better now. I think her mental health issues will always be with her, but she’s finally getting help and learning to better manage herself ❤ THANK YOU FOR READING 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      • ny275 says:

        I love her, I really do. She’s… human? Lol! We all react to things differently and she happened to react to her breakup with Diego in a way that was detrimental. Unfortunately for her, it didn’t stop there because she didn’t know how to get out of the pit! She was right in some ways- she was ruining everything- but she wasn’t ruining everything because she was a horrible person. I think she was ruining everything (subconsciously, of course) to have an excuse- so when bad things happen she could blame it on that.
        Also, some people have addictive personalities. So while two people react to a breakup the same way: by going out, having some drinks, and getting laid- and while both can recognize the behavior is destructive and want to change, the one with addictive tendencies will keep going back for more.
        And I love that her sister took some action. Simply talking to someone as far gone as Mari wouldn’t have helped… and I don’t blame her parents. How do you stop something like this from happening?
        I’m also really glad she had her boys. Rock bottom changes people. Thankfully for Mari, there were people around her that could help once she hit it and she was able to change for the better…
        Okay, I’m done now lol! 🙂 On to this next generation!

        Liked by 1 person

      • ny275 says:

        Oh! THANK YOU FOR WRITING!

        Liked by 1 person

  15. kaycee39 says:

    This generation was tough but it hit close to home for a lot of people, especially teens and young women. I don’t think I know anyone who hasn’t struggled like this (maybe not quite as extreme) at some time in their life. You did a terrific job writing and depicting Mariana’s struggles as well as what her family had to deal with. Thank you for this awesome read, now on to Gen 3 😁

    Liked by 1 person

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Thank you so much for reading! And your comment was so kind, thanks 🙂 It was a really difficult generation for me to write, but definitely a topic I wanted to explore.

      Thank you again! ^_^

      Like

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