Do you ever feel like… you’re dreaming or something? Like what’s happening can’t be real? Like the things you’re doing and saying are being controlled by someone else? Like you’re standing off to the side, just watching…?
I know, I know… I feel like that all the time. But… now more than ever.
Everything’s just falling apart so fast.
It all started last night. When Lina took the babies.
Yeah, I know how bad that sounds. And it is. I’m so fucking mad at her. Probably more mad than I’ve ever been in my life, if you can believe it. But… I dunno. I feel something else, too. Something almost good. I just wish I could think of the name for it.
I waited up all night for my parents to come home. It wasn’t like I’d be able to sleep anyway, even if I tried.
I sat them down in the kitchen as soon as they walked through the door, and told them about what happened with Lina… But they already knew everything, I guess. Turns out they’d been in on the whole thing. And it didn’t really surprise me, to be honest.
We talked for a long time. And… it wasn’t easy. It fucking sucked, actually. It was so hard not to get mad. So fucking hard.
But I just kept thinking of my boys. And that helped, a little.
I guess they’ve been planning this for a while… All Lina’s idea, of course. Mãe and dad even handed me a list of phone numbers they’d collected…
All the best therapists in the area.
We all cried for a while. We must have looked pretty fucking ridiculous. They just kept telling me how much they love me… How much they believe in me.
And I didn’t really know what to say. So I just listened. And cried.
I went up to my room after that. And I sat there for a long time. I was so fucking scared. And I couldn’t even explain WHY. To be honest, I still don’t think I can.
But it all still feels so pointless. I know I’m gonna fuck this up somehow. No matter how hard I try, I ruin everything. It’s like I’m cursed or something. Destined to be a fuckup for the rest of my life.
I just kept thinking of my boys. Quiet and curious little Stefan. My wiggly, babbling Tobias. I miss them so much. I love them so much. More than I’ve ever loved anything.
I have to try… don’t I?
I have an appointment next Tuesday.