God, I could use a stiff one right about now.
Either kind… Or better yet, both.
But I can’t. Not now. Not until you two decide to come out. So I guess I’ve just gotta keep sucking it up for now.
But man, it’s hard. Especially after what happened this morning.
I saw a ghost today.
Not literally, of course. But honestly, that probably wouldn’t have shocked me half as much as this did.
I knew I shouldn’t have gone for that walk today. I never leave the house anymore, especially now that I’m not working. I just don’t see the point, you know?
I guess mostly I’m worried about running into Humberto. He can’t know I’m pregnant. He just can’t. And I can’t stand for anyone to see me like this… Huge. Disgusting. A dirty whore who went and got herself knocked-up.
But mãe talked me into it.
And I never should have listened.
Thank God I saw him before he saw me. I turned around and headed straight back home without a second glance. I don’t know if he looked over his shoulder and saw me running away. If he did, I sure as Hell hope he didn’t recognize me.
It’s been more than a year since the last time I saw him. And no matter how careful I’ve been, I knew this would happen eventually… But NOW? When I look like THIS?
And seeing him with that baby – a little girl, I guess – it brought back a lot of feelings. And questions, too.
I’ve never met that stupid bitch Diego knocked up last year. I don’t even know her name, come to think of it. But the moment I saw him, I couldn’t help feeling jealous of her. And of that baby too.
Her parents fucked up so badly… But she still gets to have both of them in her life. And her mother never had to wonder who the father of her child is. She’ll never have to raise her baby alone.
Not like me.
But I guess the good thing is… I won’t be completely alone. Not really, anyway.
Thank God for that.
Don’t ever tell my family I said this, but… You guys are pretty damn lucky. Sure, they drive me crazy all the time… And I know they can’t stand me (not that I can blame them for that).
But they are so excited to meet you two.
Your Tante Lina won’t be around as much as she’d like to be… She moved in with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. And under normal circumstances, that would be pretty fucking great. You have no idea how much she drives me crazy. But I can tell you right now, she has more maternal instinct in her little finger than I do in my entire body. She’d be so good for you.
That’s not to say your Tante Gabriela won’t be good too. But she’s still so damn young, you know? Her heart’s in the right place though. I think you’ll learn a lot from her… But probably not until she’s a little older and not quite as whiny…
And then there are your grandparents… Your vovó is a really amazing woman. She’s never afraid to speak her mind, you know? I think that’s where I get it from… And, well, for me that’s not always a good thing. But for her it is. She’s strong and confident and successful… You’d never guess she used to be so much like me. Guess she was just never quite as fucked up as I am.
And then there’s your grandfather. He and I haven’t had the easiest time getting along lately… But you know what? No matter how much he pisses me off, your grandpa is probably the most kind and genuine person I know. And, well… he’s probably gonna be the closest thing to a father you guys will ever have. And believe me, you guys could do a lot worse as far as dads go.
So see? Pretty lucky.
Too bad you’re still stuck with me.