2.34: Lucky

God, I could use a stiff one right about now.

Either kind… Or better yet, both.

But I can’t. Not now. Not until you two decide to come out. So I guess I’ve just gotta keep sucking it up for now.

But man, it’s hard. Especially after what happened this morning.

I saw a ghost today.

Not literally, of course. But honestly, that probably wouldn’t have shocked me half as much as this did.

I knew I shouldn’t have gone for that walk today. I never leave the house anymore, especially now that I’m not working. I just don’t see the point, you know? I guess mostly I’m worried about running into Humberto. He can’t know I’m pregnant. He just can’t. And I can’t stand for anyone to see me like this… Huge. Disgusting. A dirty whore who went and got herself knocked-up.

But mãe talked me into it.

And I never should have listened.

1

Thank God I saw him before he saw me. I turned around and headed straight back home without a second glance. I don’t know if he looked over his shoulder and saw me running away. If he did, I sure as Hell hope he didn’t recognize me.

It’s been more than a year since the last time I saw him. And no matter how careful I’ve been, I knew this would happen eventually… But NOW? When I look like THIS?

2

And seeing him with that baby – a little girl, I guess – it brought back a lot of feelings. And questions, too.

I’ve never met that stupid bitch Diego knocked up last year. I don’t even know her name, come to think of it. But the moment I saw him, I couldn’t help feeling jealous of her. And of that baby too.

Her parents fucked up so badly… But she still gets to have both of them in her life. And her mother never had to wonder who the father of her child is. She’ll never have to raise her baby alone.

Not like me.

But I guess the good thing is… I won’t be completely alone. Not really, anyway.

Thank God for that.

Don’t ever tell my family I said this, but… You guys are pretty damn lucky. Sure, they drive me crazy all the time… And I know they can’t stand me (not that I can blame them for that).

But they are so excited to meet you two.

Your Tante Lina won’t be around as much as she’d like to be… She moved in with her boyfriend a couple of weeks ago. And under normal circumstances, that would be pretty fucking great. You have no idea how much she drives me crazy. But I can tell you right now, she has more maternal instinct in her little finger than I do in my entire body. She’d be so good for you.

3

That’s not to say your Tante Gabriela won’t be good too. But she’s still so damn young, you know? Her heart’s in the right place though. I think you’ll learn a lot from her… But probably not until she’s a little older and not quite as whiny…

4

And then there are your grandparents… Your vovó is a really amazing woman. She’s never afraid to speak her mind, you know? I think that’s where I get it from… And, well, for me that’s not always a good thing. But for her it is. She’s strong and confident and successful… You’d never guess she used to be so much like me. Guess she was just never quite as fucked up as I am.

5

And then there’s your grandfather. He and I haven’t had the easiest time getting along lately… But you know what? No matter how much he pisses me off, your grandpa is probably the most kind and genuine person I know. And, well… he’s probably gonna be the closest thing to a father you guys will ever have. And believe me, you guys could do a lot worse as far as dads go.

6

So see? Pretty lucky.

Too bad you’re still stuck with me.

7

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41 Responses to 2.34: Lucky

  1. virtualee says:

    Ah shit…::hugs Mari and both cry themselves into a tub of hot chocolate and donuts::…The first two lines you opened with had me rolling on the floor laughing, my co-workers think i am mental that just sealed the deal ROFL… OK now for randomness: I love Gabriela so much. At least Diego is being responsible for his daughter. Love she is realizing how lovable her family is. Love how she talks to her twins, she is redeemable I just know it!! I can’t wait to see her nooboos.

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      Hehehe I’m glad you liked my “stiff one” joke. I couldn’t resist! And yes, Mari is so honest here. She’s most honest when talking to her babys. Her “mask” is slipping more and more! (But she still has so many issues…)

      (LOL! Had to edit. It totally spoiled the genders of the babies in my original comment :P)

      Liked by 2 people

  2. JoieWilder says:

    Poor, pathetic, whale Mari, unable to wear anything but a hoodie. Where are your hoochie clothes now, Mari? It’s nice to see her being so honest, though, really. I hope we see more of this honesty in the future.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Jes2G says:

    HA! Stiff one made me almost choke on my sandwich. And “Thank God for that?” Didn’t know she knew how to spell those words lol. It still sucks that she’s so harsh on herself, but I love how she’s slowly getting more positive about things. I’ve got a new team: #TeamBabySteps!

    Liked by 3 people

  4. silentwolfy101 says:

    *sigh* Mari…

    You’re ruining all my feelings… You and Mari both… I don’t even know how to feel anymore, because it’s such an overload of emotions…

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Spottydog714 says:

    I love seeing Mari in a hoodie – no more ridiculously revealing tops! 😀 Hehehe – no offense if you like those clothes! Mari, you need to tell Humberto because, even if he isn’t the father, he would be a great father, and the kids need that sort of an influence! And… I’m going crazy over who the father is! My curiosity is getting the better of me! Love the update, Citizen!
    I’m so happy she crossed out the last line! I am seeing an improvement! YAY! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. theplumbob says:

    Omg the first two lines! LMAO! I remember back when you were writing D2D, you were agonising over even implying that your characters may perhaps be having sex haha!

    On an unrelated note, seeing Diego with that stroller made me really wish we had those in game, sigh.

    I think I’m on Jess’s team 🙂 I’ll take small progress over zero progress anyday!

    Liked by 2 people

    • CitizenErased14 says:

      LOL This story has ruined my innocence when it comes to writing about sex lmao (never expect a full-on sex scene from me though. Omg no way). And I wish we had strollers too! Thank goodness for cc! And hooray for #TeamBabySteps!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. raerei says:

    One of these days you”ll post a genuinely happy looking Mari cover picture…right? Lol. She just looks so sad today. But #teambsbysteps! She’s being honest to herself, maybe, gasp, she’ll be honest to her family? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  8. maladi777 says:

    I can’t believe it! I can’t believe she didn’t do anything despicable in this chapter! Should I be disappointed? Or happy? Need to think about that.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. kaffepigen says:

    Aww that’s kind of cute, and sad at the same time. Btw. I’ve been wondering about this for a while. How do you take the pictures of Mari writing in her journal?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am legit crying right now, because I have a feeling she’ll be thinking so low of herself when they are born that she is going to go jump off a cliff or something equally drastic…and I know you and your writing style. So I am not eating dinner until I know, so I won’t choke on my tears!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii

    Liked by 1 person

  12. theceltygirly says:

    Mari!!! Ahhhh

    Liked by 1 person

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