Month: February 2016

2.33: I’m Sorry

I’m sorry.

You both deserve so much better than me.

!

I’ve already done one Hell of a job fucking up my own life. And now… Well, I think I’m already fucking up yours.

I waited until your grandparents were asleep before heading out last night. I knew they’d never let me go. And I think you didn’t want to let me either. I felt you squirming and kicking. It was like a warning. Like you knew.

1

I’m just so goddamn bored sitting around this fucking house day after day. I can’t stand it. And it’s not like I have anywhere to go, or anyone to hang out with. Not anymore. Not since I pushed everyone else away.

No Miguel. No Natalia. No Humberto…

It’s unbearable. It’s lonely. It’s…

Well, it sucks.

I don’t know what the Hell I was thinking. I must have stood outside the place for a good five minutes, just staring like some sort of fucking moron.

2

I just needed to feel better. A little pick-me-up. Something to numb the pain again, y’know?

But what guy would wanna spend the night with a fucking whale like me? I’m huge now. I’m disgusting. I don’t know what got into me… But it was a mistake being there. I knew it. I hadn’t even walked through the door and I was already so ashamed… Ready to run home.

And I should have.

But I didn’t.

3

You should have seen the bartender’s face. It was like she thought I’d walked into the wrong place or something. And when I opened my mouth to order, she just kinda stared for a little bit.

Guess I couldn’t blame her. I mean, how often do you get some pregnant whale waltzing up to the bar asking for your strongest drink?

4

She didn’t look too happy, and even offered me some water instead. But in the end, I guess she couldn’t turn down a paying customer.

5

I knew I shouldn’t have. I knew it was wrong. But one drink couldn’t really hurt, could it?

6

I lost count after my third.

7

I fucked up. I’m sorry.

I don’t know what made me snap out of it, but one minute I was sitting there feeling pretty fucking great, and the next I was stumbling home as fast as my legs could carry me… Which was pretty damn hard in those heels.

9

You were both kicking and squirming again, the entire way home. And I know why.

I was hurting you. I was risking your health – maybe even your lives – all so I could make myself feel better for one fucking night.

10

I’ve known for a long time that I’m a terrible daughter… A terrible sister… A terrible girlfriend…

Now I guess I’m a terrible mother too.

I don’t remember how long I cried before I finally passed out on the bed.

11

I love you.

I love you both so much.

And I’m so sorry you’re stuck with a fucking screwup like me.

12

I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared in my entire life. What if I already hurt you? What if you come out all fucked up or something because of me?

That’s what I deserve, maybe. But not you. Never you.

This isn’t your fault, it’s mine.

It always is.

I’m sorry.

13

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2.32: Not Like This

I don’t even know where to start.

These past several weeks have been…

God, I don’t think I can find the right word for it. I couldn’t even bring myself to write about it until now, to be honest.

Things were bad enough before. But nothing could have prepared us for this.

Mari’s pregnant.

2

We found out over a month ago.

And she wasn’t even planning on telling us either – We would have had no idea if Gabriela hadn’t found the test in the trash.

It still makes me feel sick just writing about it. I’ve always kinda dreamed of being a grandfather, you know?

But just… not like this.

3

Jade and I did our best to calm her down. Told her she needed to call Humberto right away, and figure out what they were going to do. But that’s when she told us – She doesn’t even know for sure if it’s his.

9

We should have known this would happen. We’d both been turning a blind eye for so long… And we thought things were getting better. Hell, Jade even seemed convinced that Humberto would be the one to finally snap her out of this… And so was I, for a while.

But I guess he wasn’t.

7

I still don’t know for sure what we could have done differently… I can’t tell you how many times we’ve both tried talking some sense into Mari – even Jade started to come around, after a while. But we just couldn’t get through to her… Maybe we gave up too easily or something.

8

Anyway, Jade and I both agree that no matter what happens, we can’t screw this up again. We have to keep trying. Because no matter what she does, or how she treats us… She’s still our little girl. We love her. And we have to help her through this, however we can.

And part of that is making sure she takes care of herself.

We had to practically drag Mari to the doctor with us today for her first ultrasound. She’s been avoiding that place like the plague. Making excuses, putting up a fight, canceling appointments behind our backs… But today we finally convinced her.

10

The doctor says everything looks good. We found out she’s nearly 12 weeks along already, and due right at the end of Spring.

And as for the baby, well…

The doctor was able to pick up the sound of a nice, strong heartbeat…

Two of them.

11

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Author’s Note: TWINS!!!!!! It has been KILLING me to keep this a secret for the past few weeks! This was not planned at ALL. I was basically SCREAMING. But my goodness, in the end, it’s the best thing to ever have happened, and Gen 3 will be all the better because of it, you’ll see! So pumped. ❤

2.31: Fuck

Fuck.

02-15-16_7-04-08 PM

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

02-15-16_7-13-13 PM

What the fuck am I gonna do?!

02-15-16_7-17-24 PM

I don’t even know if it’s his.

02-10-16_9-50-09 PM 02-10-16_9-42-09 PM 02-19-16_4-09-01 PM02-10-16_9-30-24 PM

Fuck.

02-15-16_7-19-25 PM

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Note: For the curious, Mari’s pregnancy came about thanks to turning on my risky woohoo mod. Like Mari, I genuinely did not know who the father was! It was kind of fun for me (in a sick and twisted way… hehe).

Thank you all for reading! And thanks for being patient with our poor girl here ❤

Interlude: Better This Way

Mari could tell right away that something wasn’t right.

And it wasn’t just in the way Humberto had pulled away from her so quickly after they’d finished. Or turned away from her, as though unable to meet her gaze. Or let out that slow, deep breath before asking “Mariana, can we talk?”

1

It was the way he’d touched her. The way he’d kissed her. The way he’d held her. Humberto was always so passionate in bed– that was one of the many things Mari loved so much about him. But tonight was different. Slow. Gentle. Romantic. Beautiful.

Because he knows that was the last time. Mari realized as a wave of nausea rushed through her stomach. He was saying goodbye. This is it. It’s over.

She took a slow breath to calm herself. You knew this was coming. She reminded herself. And you know why. So suck it up, Mari.

“Sure.” Mari replied at last, fighting to keep her voice steady. “What’s up?”

Humberto hesitated a moment before speaking. “These past couple of months have been incredible, Mariana.” He said seriously. “But… Before we continue this any further, I need you to promise me something.”

2

Mari simply stared at him as a million thoughts rushed through her mind. This was not quite the way she’d imagined this conversation going. What is he talking about? What does he want?

“Promise you what?” She said at last, her voice barely above a whisper.

3

“That you’ll stop all this.” He replied seriously. “And let me help you.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Mari shook her head. “Stop what?”

4

Humberto let out a soft sigh. “Stop trying to be something you’re not.” He began slowly. “Stop being so angry all the time. Stop blaming yourself for everything. Stop using sex to solve all your problems.”

Mari’s eyes widened. He knows about that?

5

“I know what you’ve been doing behind my back.” He confirmed, as though he could read her mind. As always, Humberto knew her all too well. “And it has to stop.”

6

Mari hesitated before replying. She wanted to apologize. She wanted to beg for his forgiveness. She wanted to promise that it would never happen again. But she simply couldn’t.

She’d already tried to change, couldn’t he see that? But she’d failed. She’d fucked up. Just like she always did. He knows I’m no good for him. He knows I can only bring him down. And now this is his chance to get away before I make it even worse. She realized. I’ve fucked everything up this far already. May as well go all the way.

“I don’t see why you’re so worried about it.” Mari smiled as she spoke, and kept her voice casual. “I can handle myself.”

7

“And yeah, I probably should have mentioned the other guys to you sooner.” She added quickly. “But it’s not like we’re actually dating or anything. So I didn’t think you’d really care if I… What?”

Humberto was not looking at her anymore. He had turned away as she spoke, his expression hardening with every word that reached his ears.

8

“Stop.” He said softly. “Please.”

Mari made a show of rolling her eyes as she tried to ignore the deep pain that cut through her heart. “Stop what? What is it now?!”

“Just stop pretending that you don’t care about anything!” Humberto practically snapped at her. “I love you, Mariana. And I want to help you. But you have to let me.”

For a moment, it was as though Mari’s heart had stopped beating. I love you, Mariana. He’d never said that to her before. The words replayed themselves again and again in her mind.

The four words she had been hoping and praying to hear him say every day.

The four words she knew would ruin everything.

“No, you don’t.” She replied stiffly. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“I do.” Humberto insisted, turning to face her at last. “And I know you love me too. So please, if you love me, you’ll listen to me. And you’ll try to get better.”

“Will you just STOP saying that?!” Mari shot back venomously. “You don’t love me! Just shut up! You’re ruining everything! What’s wrong with you?!”

Nothing. I’m the one who’s wrong. I’m the one who’s ruining everything.

9

“Please, just listen to yourself!” Humberto’s voice was a growl. “You’re sick. You’re hurting. You’re broken. I understand all that. And I’ve been trying so hard to help you pick up the pieces. I want to make things better for you. I want to make you whole again…” He shook his head. “But you need to meet me halfway on this, Mariana. I can’t help you if you won’t let me!”

10

“And who said I ever wanted help from YOU?! Can’t you just leave me alone and let me live my fucking life? You don’t own me, Humberto. You aren’t my boyfriend. You can’t say shit about what I do.” Mari was practically shrieking. “This is who I am. I can’t change it, and neither can you, so get used to it, okay?!”

12

She rose to her feet and turned away from him, blinking back her tears as best she could. I’m sorry. I love you…

It’s better this way.

“This isn’t who you are.” Humberto broke the silence through clenched teeth. “And we both know it.” He paused. “I still want to help you, Mariana. And I’ll do whatever I can for you.” The man paused for a moment, shaking his head slowly. “Because I love you.” The words twisted the knife deeper into Mari’s heart. “But I can’t go on like this. I can’t do this anymore.”

14b

Good. This is how it has to be. I hope you can see that. I’m sorry.

With a deep shuddering breath, Mari finally turned to face him, a soft smile on her lips. “Do what anymore?” She asked gently. “You’re sitting there making this big ‘break up’ speech… Like we were actually together or something.”

15

Humberto said nothing as Mari retrieved her crumpled clothes from the floor and hastily pulled them back on. She cleared her throat uncomfortably before breaking the silence. “If you don’t wanna screw around anymore, I get it.” She didn’t even have the courage to turn and face him. “I was kinda getting bored anyway, weren’t you?”

16

“Mariana…”

“But thanks…” She headed for the stairs without looking back. “It… It was a good time.”

17

The best time of my life. So much better than I ever deserved.

Find someone who deserves you, Humberto.

Be happy. Be free. Be loved.

It’s too late for me.

18

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Once again featuring the amazing Humberto from VirtuaLee’s Cursed Beauty ! 

2.29: Old Habits

02-11-16_9-40-20 PM

I knew it. I knew I’m no good. I can’t change. I can’t. No matter how hard I try, or how much Humberto wants me to, or how much I want to, I just CAN’T.

I went out alone tonight. Humberto was tired from work and felt like staying in. And I should have stayed with him. But I didn’t. Because I’m a fucking screwup.

02-11-16_9-15-10 PM

Miguel and Natalia barely call me anymore. Say I’m “boring” now that I’m hanging out with Humberto so much. And I guess I can’t blame them for feeling that way…

Still, it sure felt lonely tonight at that bar without them.

02-11-16_9-25-14 PM

But I wasn’t lonely for long.

02-11-16_9-27-23 PM

I don’t know why I felt so bad about it after. I mean, Humberto’s not my boyfriend. We aren’t exclusive. We aren’t… anything, really. No matter what he seems to think. And no matter how much I want it.

02-11-16_9-39-45 PM

I hadn’t been with anyone else but him in weeks. I thought I could be good. I thought I could change for him. But tonight just proves it. I can’t. I’m a slut. That’s who I am.

“Old habits die hard.”

That’s what they always say, isn’t it?