2.13: Not Fair

Sorry I haven’t written anything in a long time.

I just… haven’t felt like it, I guess. These past few months have sucked. HARD.

Things were really bad around here for a while. And I guess they are getting better now… But it’s still so hard sometimes, even after all this time.

Grandma died. And Uncle Bjorn.

Just two weeks apart.

I mean, I guess with grandma it wasn’t a complete surprise. She was really sick. We all knew it. But the doctors were wrong about how much time she had left, I guess.

Dad dropped everything and got on the next flight back to Newcrest as soon as he heard how bad it was… But he still didn’t make it in time.

I just can’t believe she’s gone. And it’s so hard not to feel guilty whenever I think of her. I feel like maybe I should have given her more attention, you know? Called more. Spent more time with her when she came to visit. I’ve always been closer to grandpa, I guess.

Doesn’t make losing her any easier though.

Wanna know a secret though? I think losing Uncle Bjorn was the worst.

I loved Grandma. A lot. Don’t get me wrong. But she lived on the other side of the world. I only saw her once a year, and only talked to her once every few weeks.

I saw Uncle Bjorn all the time, ever since I was really little. He always told the funniest stories, and he taught me so much too. He was one of the smartest people I think I’ve ever met. It was almost like having an extra grandparent — one who didn’t live in another country. One who could be there for me whenever I needed him.

We always called him Onkel Bjorn. But he’ll always be like Opa Bjorn to me.

I just feel… I dunno. I don’t think there’s a word for it. I’m not just sad. And I’m not just mad either… I’m…

UGH. I don’t know. It’s just not fair!

Dad was a total mess, of course. And mãe really hasn’t been taking it too well either. And… that just made it even worse.

I mean, your parents are supposed to make you feel better, aren’t they? But what happens when they can barely make each other feel any better, let alone their kids? It just sucks.

Lina and Gabriela have been no help either. No surprise there, I guess. I mean, they’ve been helping each other plenty. To be honest, I’ve kinda been feeling like the third wheel lately.

But it’s not supposed to be like that, is it?

I mean, I’m the oldest. I should be the one they talk to about this sort of thing, right? The one they turn to when stuff like this happens? Not each other!

What about me? Who’s supposed to be helping me right now?

As usual, Diego’s the only one who gets it. I don’t think I can count the number of times he’s held me while I’ve cried, or wiped away my tears, or let me vent about how stupid my sisters are being right now.

I seriously don’t even know what I’d do without him.

So I guess things are getting better. It’s just taking time, you know? What’s that stupid thing they always say? “Time heals all wounds”?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s a load of B.S.

But I guess time helps, at least.

And the more of that time I spend with Diego, the better.