Month: January 2016

2.19: Breaking the Silence

Sorry I never finished writing last night. I guess you could say I had other things on my mind.

And after what happened this morning, well… Now I have even more to think about.

We were all sitting at the dining room table when it happened.

Mari walked right in, headed to the counter, grabbed a plate, and sat down in her usual place. Huge smile on her face, friendly “Good morning”, and everything.


Nearly two weeks of silence, and now this? I swear, you could have heard a pin drop the moment she walked in the room. Even Gabriela was stunned.

I think Jade was the first one brave enough to say anything. And I don’t even remember what she said, to be honest. Something innocent and meaningless. Like “How did you sleep?” or “Do you like your eggs?”


But what really mattered was the way Mari answered. She was so bright and cheerful. And I guess “forced” isn’t the right word for how it felt. There was definitely something genuine behind it. That much I could tell. But something was just… off. I’m not quite sure how else to describe it.


I know I should have been happy to see her like that. And I guess a part of me was, but… Mostly I was just confused. And a little worried, too. Especially thinking back to last night, when I’d caught her leaving.

I think I actually had the car keys in my hand before I decided not to go after her. And I still can’t say for sure whether or not it was the right choice. But, whether I like it or not, Mari’s an adult now. She can make her own decisions. And, to be honest, finally seeing her going somewhere, doing something… Well, I guess it was something of a relief.

But I just keep thinking about the way she was dressed last night. And how late it was when she left home. And that strange air about her this morning…


I know I’m probably looking too much into it. But I’m a dad, what can I say?

It’s my job to worry.


2.18: Numb

Note: The following chapter contains adult language (in both English and German!)


I was so scared that I almost didn’t go through with it.

I must have been shaking like a fucking leaf or something, because the bartender kept asking me if I was okay.

Was he for real? Of course I wasn’t okay! What a stupid Arschloch. Didn’t even make my drink right. But I drank it anyway, of course. Liquid courage… that’s what they call it, right? Well I definitely needed some… Even if it tasted like shit.


Anyway, I was halfway into my third drink when I saw him walk in. Figures that fucking Scheißkerl would decide to show up…


For a second, I thought I was gonna throw up. Ha! I would have loved to see the bartender’s reaction to that one…

Then I considered running back home. As in, literally running for the door (In those heels? Who was I kidding?) and getting as far away from there as possible…

But you know what? The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was actually glad he was there. It was just the push I needed to go through with it.


So I downed the rest of my glass and headed for the stairs. Of course, I was still scared shitless. But… determined too, I guess.


And believe it or not, I didn’t even give Diego a second glance. Ich scheiß auf ihn. I had my eyes on someone else…


I could tell right away that I’d made the right choice – I could smell the alcohol on this guy’s breath before I even said a word to him. Who knew it would be so easy? A few cute smiles and I had him wrapped around my little finger. Piece of cake!

I don’t know if that Scheißkerl was watching… But I’ll be honest. I sure as Hell hope he was.


Anyway, we danced together for, what? Three, four songs?

Then he took my hand, and asked me back to his place.



It couldn’t have been more than an hour later when I left him snoring against the pillow.

And you know what?

Mãe was right after all.

It wasn’t romantic, or special. I didn’t feel any rush of affection for this guy. Hell, I don’t even remember what the poor bastard’s name was.


But man, did it feel good.

I’ve spent nearly two weeks feeling, well, almost nothing. Just… Hopeless. Helpless. Numb.

Do you know how incredible it was to finally feel something again?


And I don’t just mean physically. That part was pretty good too, don’t get me wrong. But I felt powerful, you know? Attractive. Wanted. Happy.

All the things Diego had taken from me, I finally had back again… And then some. It was fun. It was empowering. It was a high I’ve never felt in my entire life.


Is that what I’d been missing out on for all these years? Well, damn.

If I ever run into that lying sack of shit again, maybe I should thank him.


2.17: Something Drastic

It’s been a few days, and I think Jade and I finally decided.

If Mari doesn’t come out and talk to us by the end of the weekend, we have to do something drastic.


I don’t think either of us even know what that ‘something’ is, but… We can’t let this go on any longer. She’s gotta grieve. I get that. But this just isn’t right. It isn’t normal. And it’s scaring the Hell out of all of us… Including her sisters.


Seeing Gabi try to make sense of it all has been the worst, I think. I mean, she’s only 10. She doesn’t really understand, you know? But she’s always asking questions.

Tonight at dinner was especially hard. She kept asking if her sister was finally going to eat with us, and wondering when Mari and Diego would be friends again. Jade and I just looked at each other, waiting for the other one to speak up.


Luckily Lina’s always been so good with her little sister. “They might never be.” I remember her saying. She stepped right in to help, without even hesitating. “Diego did a really bad thing, remember?”

Probably the understatement of the year… But I’m glad she put it that way, instead of trying to go into the details again.


We’d tried our best to explain it to Gabi as simply as we could. But having to tell a 10-year-old what Diego did has been leading to a lot of questions… Ones she’s not ready for yet. But she keeps asking them, again and again –Like how Diego put the baby in the other lady’s tummy. Or why he can’t just put a baby in Mari’s tummy too, so it’s “fair”…

What the Hell were we supposed to say to that? It would almost be funny, if this whole thing weren’t so goddamn terrible.

Anyway, I feel like I’m kind of rambling now… I’m really just trying to keep myself busy tonight anyway. Jade swears she heard the shower running about an hour ago, and the sound of a closing door too. I was downstairs when it happened, so I can’t be sure…

But since she has to work in the morning, I ended up on Mari-duty tonight. So now I’m just sitting here, listening and waiting to see if she

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2.16: At a Loss

She still won’t come out of her room.

Jade and I have practically been begging. But she just keeps yelling and sending us away, no matter how hard we try.

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We can hear her come out at night to eat and use the bathroom. But that’s it.

One time, Jade even went out there and tried to talk to her.

That didn’t end well.

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It’s been almost a week, and Jade and I just don’t know what to do anymore. She hasn’t even gone into work… Her boss keeps calling, and I’ve been making up excuse after excuse for her. But she’s gonna run out of sick days soon, at this rate. And then what? I can’t cover for her forever.

If only we could get Mari to show her face half as much as Diego has.

That little shithead keeps coming by our house almost every day, no matter how many times we ask him to leave.


Seriously? Well, the kid’s got balls. I’ll give him that.

And he was back at it again this morning. Gave me the usual sob story and everything. Disgusting.

I’ve been doing a pretty good job holding my tongue until now. But today, the moment I looked at him, something just snapped. I really let him have it. And you know what? It felt good. I don’t regret one word of it.


Here’s hoping we’ve seen the last of that bastard’s face around here. He’s never getting near my girl ever again. Not if I have anything to say about it.


Some days, I feel like this is seriously killing me. How am I supposed to just stand by and watch this happen when there’s nothing I can do to help?

I just wish there was something, anything I could do to take Mari’s pain away.

But I can’t.

I don’t think anyone can right now…

What are we gonna do?

2.15: What Could It Be?

Oh my God.

I don’t want to jinx myself or anything, but… I think I might have some pretty exciting news to share. Or at least, I will soon!

Okay, wait. Before I get too far ahead of myself, let me explain.

Tonight, while I was sitting and watching one of Gabriela’s dumb little kiddie shows with her, my phone went off. And of course I knew right away who it was, before I even looked at the screen. I mean, who else would it be?


Anyway, Diego invited me up to The Bluffs tomorrow after work, just the two of us.

Normally that wouldn’t be a big deal… I mean, we go out together all the time. Or whenever we can, at least. Having “real” jobs can make scheduling dates a bit trickier… But we’ve been doing pretty well since graduation.

I guess what made it interesting is that we haven’t gone to The Bluffs together in a long time. I’ve always loved it there. It’s beautiful, secluded, serene… and it was the spot where we had our first date just over three years ago.

Why would we go there all of a sudden, after all this time? Kinda weird, right? I tried to tell myself not to read too much into it. But it’s hard.

I mean, it’s like I’ve been saying the last few times I’ve written – things are getting more and more intense between us lately. Of course, we still haven’t had sex yet. Not officially. But we’ve done some other things. Things we’ve never done before. Things that are terrifying and amazing and, well…


The point is, I finally feel ready for the real thing. And I think Diego knows it too.

So at first I was thinking he might be planning to, well… Finally go all the way. And, to be honest, I sorta think doing it outside would maybe be a little weird. But also kinda exciting too, I guess. So maybe I’d be okay with it after all. Maybe even more than okay, actually…

Anyway, I felt so sure that was what it was. And it still could be, for all I know.

But tonight after dinner, dad helped me think of another possibility.

He overheard me telling Gabriela (for probably the third time…) what Diego had texted me about earlier.


Then he turned to mãe with that mushy smile he always gives her and said, “The Bluffs? That’s where I proposed, remember? 25 years ago next month…”

Could this seriously mean what I think it means?!

Diego and I just celebrated our anniversary a couple of weeks ago. And The Bluffs have always been a really special place to the two of us. And I’m only a year younger than mãe and dad were when they got engaged…

Okay, okay, I’m stopping myself right there! I’m trying so hard not to jump to any conclusions yet. Guess I’ll find out for sure tomorrow!

For now, the one thing I do know is that whatever it is, it will be amazing.


2.13: Not Fair

Sorry I haven’t written anything in a long time.

I just… haven’t felt like it, I guess. These past few months have sucked. HARD.

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Things were really bad around here for a while. And I guess they are getting better now… But it’s still so hard sometimes, even after all this time.

Grandma died. And Uncle Bjorn.

Just two weeks apart.

I mean, I guess with grandma it wasn’t a complete surprise. She was really sick. We all knew it. But the doctors were wrong about how much time she had left, I guess.

Dad dropped everything and got on the next flight back to Newcrest as soon as he heard how bad it was… But he still didn’t make it in time.

I just can’t believe she’s gone. And it’s so hard not to feel guilty whenever I think of her. I feel like maybe I should have given her more attention, you know? Called more. Spent more time with her when she came to visit. I’ve always been closer to grandpa, I guess.

Doesn’t make losing her any easier though.

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Wanna know a secret though? I think losing Uncle Bjorn was the worst.

I loved Grandma. A lot. Don’t get me wrong. But she lived on the other side of the world. I only saw her once a year, and only talked to her once every few weeks.

I saw Uncle Bjorn all the time, ever since I was really little. He always told the funniest stories, and he taught me so much too. He was one of the smartest people I think I’ve ever met. It was almost like having an extra grandparent — one who didn’t live in another country. One who could be there for me whenever I needed him.

We always called him Onkel Bjorn. But he’ll always be like Opa Bjorn to me.

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I just feel… I dunno. I don’t think there’s a word for it. I’m not just sad. And I’m not just mad either… I’m…

UGH. I don’t know. It’s just not fair!

Dad was a total mess, of course. And mãe really hasn’t been taking it too well either. And… that just made it even worse.


I mean, your parents are supposed to make you feel better, aren’t they? But what happens when they can barely make each other feel any better, let alone their kids? It just sucks.

Lina and Gabriela have been no help either. No surprise there, I guess. I mean, they’ve been helping each other plenty. To be honest, I’ve kinda been feeling like the third wheel lately.

But it’s not supposed to be like that, is it?

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I mean, I’m the oldest. I should be the one they talk to about this sort of thing, right? The one they turn to when stuff like this happens? Not each other!

What about me? Who’s supposed to be helping me right now?

As usual, Diego’s the only one who gets it. I don’t think I can count the number of times he’s held me while I’ve cried, or wiped away my tears, or let me vent about how stupid my sisters are being right now.

I seriously don’t even know what I’d do without him.

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So I guess things are getting better. It’s just taking time, you know? What’s that stupid thing they always say? “Time heals all wounds”?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s a load of B.S.

But I guess time helps, at least.

And the more of that time I spend with Diego, the better.